Wink from Heaven: May 2008

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Caterpillar capers

A few days ago our neighbor brought us two caterpillars so that we could watch them grow, make cocoons,and turn into butterflies! The boys were just tickled because butterflies are their passion right now! Yesterday we took them out of their little containers and let them sit on a stem of leaves to munch for a while. They are so cute. They look just like "The Hungry Caterpillar." Sadly, "chubbers" the chubby one disappeared and we can't find him anywhere. I was sad about it for the whole afternoon. My only hope is that he found a nice cozy place to make his cocoon, and that he'll emerge in a few days as a butterfly flying around the house!
On another note, Caleb, our other little "Chubbers" is still pretty sick. He was so sweet this afternoon, though. When I wrapped him up in a little cocoon of blankets and rocked him in my rocking chair, he was as content as can be! Hopefully in a few days he'll be able to emerge as good as new!

Thursday, May 1, 2008

If tonight was my last night with you...

Yesterday afternoon Caleb seemed to aspirate after he had a throw-up episode. After he finally finished coughing, his breathing became a lot more shallow and he had a hard time keeping enough oxygen in his body. Last night I tucked him into bed with me and snuggled him for a while. While I worried and listened to him breathe, I was thinking- if tonight is my last night with you, what would I want to say?
If I knew I had to say goodbye to any of my sweet boys, what words would I want them to hear from their mom? I've asked myself that question numerous times especially during tender times with Caleb. It seems like there should be a bigger way to say "I love you"- Where are right words to say that I love them so much that it takes my breath away- that I love them so much that sometimes it even hurts- that I love them so much that my heart wants to beat for them?
I know that before they were born just the "hope" of them filled my heart with joy- that when I was expecting I loved knowing that they were growing right next to my heart- and now that they are here, my heart is wrapped so tightly around them that I can't breathe.
I took Caleb to the doctor today and spent the afternoon having chest x rays. He did aspirate and as a result has Pneumonia. He isn't moving air through his lungs very well. He is on a big dose of antibiotics and is in need of a lot of supplemental oxygen. My heart has been tender as I've wondered what I should say to Caleb today. How do I tell him how dear he is to me and how proud I am of him? But then when I wrap my arms around him, and when I'm really still, I can feel his heart telling me that he knows- and that "I love you" is enough.

Heaven sent...
We were blessed with a little boy who always winked!
Caleb's brain did not form, and doctors didn't expect him to live for more than a few weeks. After 8 days in the NICU doctors sent us home saying there was nothing more they could do. Among his various physical challenges, Caleb was missing one of his eyes. Even though he was never be able to say "I love you" with words, he told us every day with his "wink!" His little wink was a daily message of love from heaven.

Caleb’s spirit radiated pure love. He brought the love of God and light of Christ into the lives of all who knew him. Caleb’s life was a precious gift and a tender miracle. His winking eye was a daily reminder of Caleb’s deep love for all of us. Caleb could have quickly returned to heaven but instead he brought heaven to us for seven years.

Caleb was a precious gift to our family, and now it is our priveledge to live in such a way that we will be reunited with him forever.

Prayer for Caleb

(written by Caleb's Grandma in her weekly column -2008-)

In my family we have a secret code to communicate our love for each other when we are out in public. We wink. When one of us is about to perform or speak, we look for a family member’s face in the crowd. Then we wink at each other. Closing one eye and winking is our secret code for saying, “I love you. You can do it. You’re wonderful.”

About three years ago, my grandson Caleb was born into our family. He must have known before birth that he would never be able to speak to us because he was born with one eyelid permanently closed. So, he is always “winking” at us, always communicating, “I love you. You can do it. You’re wonderful.”

Caleb has one eye lid permanently closed because he is missing one of his eyes . . . and he is also missing his brain. All the doctors said he would die soon after birth. They were wrong. Caleb is three years old. He is a medical miracle. The doctors say he can’t see, hear, speak, think or move. Those who know and love Caleb understand he has his own unique way of experiencing the world and communicating his love to those around him.

After Caleb was born the hospice people told us to buy a burial plot and continually warned us of his imminent death. We soon learned you can not live well in a state of fear and sadness. We decided we could spend Caleb’s entire life anxious and scared he might die at any moment, or we could celebrate each day we were blessed to have him with us. In the beginning, my daughter April celebrated Caleb’s birthday every week instead of every year with balloons and cupcakes because we simply did not know how long we would have him with us. We stopped the cupcakes after we gained ten pounds, but the celebrating goes on.

We all prayed for a miracle when we first learned about Caleb’s condition. We got one. Caleb’s birth, life and mission have had a deep and lasting impact on our lives. His spirit, eternal identity and most of all the loving, individual relationship he has with each of us is truly a miracle. Because of Caleb we know that each of us has a divine purpose and that the physical body is a sacred gift we should never take for granted. We better understand the worth of a soul and the resiliency of the human spirit.

Caleb’s five year old brother Matthew said, “Grandma. The doctors said Caleb was going to die, but he didn’t. That’s the first miracle I ever saw!”

Sometimes Caleb’s baby brother Mitchell pulls out his feeding tube while they hold hands riding together in their double stroller. Sometimes the only intervention that can get Caleb’s heart rate up is when his older brothers Josh and Matty crawl in his crib, hug him and sing, “I am a Child of God.” ...If you have a moment please offer a prayer for the little boy who has never been able to utter a single word and yet has taught everyone who knows and loves him – all the secrets of a rich and meaningful life.