Wink from Heaven: April 2010

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

"Little Caleb"

Little Caleb
Little Caleb
Oh Little Caleb, thought that I knew before
Then I saw you
When I saw you
The minute I saw you I knew what my heart was for

Every day makes you older
I get older too
Every morning the sky is falling down
The world is new

Got a right arm
Got a left one too
Tuck you in tight every night in your room
When these arms
Wrap around you
You won’t have to wonder who is holding whom

Every day we are learning
Learning we were wrong
Every morning you’re back where you started
And right where you belong

I am tall
Love is taller
Twenty feet taller, no matter where you stand
I am tall
When you’re taller, Caleb
You can still reach up; I’ll give you my hand

Every day makes you older
I get older too
Every morning the sky is falling down
The sky is falling down
The sky is falling
The world is new

Monday, April 26, 2010

The gift of you

A few weeks after Caleb was born, I remember daring to hope that he'd still be with me on my birthday. My birthday was 3 months away.
When Dallan would ask what I wanted my reply was always the same.
I just wanted Caleb.

Ever since Caleb had RSV and Pneumonia in February, he hasn't seemed quite able to get all better. He had a trach infection several weeks ago, and on my birthday he was diagnosed with pneumonia again. Doctors think it's likely that his trach infection didn't clear up like we had hoped, and that is what caused him to develop pneumonia.

Right now he is getting a 3 day series of shots, is taking 2 more antibiotics through his g tube, and is getting antibiotic drops in his ears because they are not feeling well either. We've increased his oxygen, and we're having him spend some extra time on his ventilator.
Poor little boy.

I know Caleb has had pneumonia numerous times. You would think I'd be used to it by now. I have to admit- it never gets easier. It's hard every time.
It makes me cry.

However,

When I was sitting in the waiting room wondering if we'd have time for birthday cake, I realized I had my most desired birthday wish. I was waiting for the doctor with my 5 year old little boy on my lap.
I got Caleb.
And I can't imagine a greater gift than that.

Dear Caleb,
I'm so thankful we got to share another birthday together.
Thank you for giving me the gift of - you.

Love,
Mom

Monday, April 19, 2010

The wink dog

The boys had a good chuckle when Dad made
the dog just right for Caleb.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Brother time

Matthew loves his watch.

He loves Caleb even more.

Do you know how I know?
I found Caleb with his watch on.

Dear Matthew
Thank you for always having time for me.
Love,
Caleb

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Birds eye view

I peeked over the top of my stairs to check on Caleb, and this is what I saw.

I think I saw heaven from way up there.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Batter up!

Even though Caleb has had a trach infection for the last 2 weeks, we couldn't resist the chance to enjoy one of the few sunny days we had over Spring break! We watched the BYU women's softball team play UTAH on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. We munched hot dogs, watched BYU win, and soaked up lots of sunshine!
Batter up my cute boy!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

BFF's

The other night Matthew whispered to Dallan
"Caleb is my best friend."

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Easter

I love Easter.
I love all that it represents.
As I've been reflecting on Easter and what it means to me, I've been remembering a lonely night I had in the hospital right after Caleb was born. We were told he might not make it through the night.
I was broken.
I felt like every cell in my body- was sad.
I remember thinking "even the people who love me the most can't understand how I feel in this moment."
My heart was in anguish.
Then my phone rang. A friend called to tell me about the prayer that was said in church for our family. The prayer asked Heavenly Father to comfort us because He knew what it was like to lose a son.
He knew.
I was then that I realized His son also knew. My older brother, my Savior Jesus Christ knew. He knew because He felt my sorrow in a personal moment in Gethsemane. That night as I was in and out of sleep and tears, the phrase He knows kept returning to my mind.
This Easter I want to share with you what
I know:

I know that our Savior has conquered death.

I know that He lives.

I know that through him my family can be together forever.

I know that He knows.

Sending love to you this Easter season!

Heaven sent...
We were blessed with a little boy who always winked!
Caleb's brain did not form, and doctors didn't expect him to live for more than a few weeks. After 8 days in the NICU doctors sent us home saying there was nothing more they could do. Among his various physical challenges, Caleb was missing one of his eyes. Even though he was never be able to say "I love you" with words, he told us every day with his "wink!" His little wink was a daily message of love from heaven.

Caleb’s spirit radiated pure love. He brought the love of God and light of Christ into the lives of all who knew him. Caleb’s life was a precious gift and a tender miracle. His winking eye was a daily reminder of Caleb’s deep love for all of us. Caleb could have quickly returned to heaven but instead he brought heaven to us for seven years.

Caleb was a precious gift to our family, and now it is our priveledge to live in such a way that we will be reunited with him forever.

Prayer for Caleb

(written by Caleb's Grandma in her weekly column -2008-)

In my family we have a secret code to communicate our love for each other when we are out in public. We wink. When one of us is about to perform or speak, we look for a family member’s face in the crowd. Then we wink at each other. Closing one eye and winking is our secret code for saying, “I love you. You can do it. You’re wonderful.”

About three years ago, my grandson Caleb was born into our family. He must have known before birth that he would never be able to speak to us because he was born with one eyelid permanently closed. So, he is always “winking” at us, always communicating, “I love you. You can do it. You’re wonderful.”

Caleb has one eye lid permanently closed because he is missing one of his eyes . . . and he is also missing his brain. All the doctors said he would die soon after birth. They were wrong. Caleb is three years old. He is a medical miracle. The doctors say he can’t see, hear, speak, think or move. Those who know and love Caleb understand he has his own unique way of experiencing the world and communicating his love to those around him.

After Caleb was born the hospice people told us to buy a burial plot and continually warned us of his imminent death. We soon learned you can not live well in a state of fear and sadness. We decided we could spend Caleb’s entire life anxious and scared he might die at any moment, or we could celebrate each day we were blessed to have him with us. In the beginning, my daughter April celebrated Caleb’s birthday every week instead of every year with balloons and cupcakes because we simply did not know how long we would have him with us. We stopped the cupcakes after we gained ten pounds, but the celebrating goes on.

We all prayed for a miracle when we first learned about Caleb’s condition. We got one. Caleb’s birth, life and mission have had a deep and lasting impact on our lives. His spirit, eternal identity and most of all the loving, individual relationship he has with each of us is truly a miracle. Because of Caleb we know that each of us has a divine purpose and that the physical body is a sacred gift we should never take for granted. We better understand the worth of a soul and the resiliency of the human spirit.

Caleb’s five year old brother Matthew said, “Grandma. The doctors said Caleb was going to die, but he didn’t. That’s the first miracle I ever saw!”

Sometimes Caleb’s baby brother Mitchell pulls out his feeding tube while they hold hands riding together in their double stroller. Sometimes the only intervention that can get Caleb’s heart rate up is when his older brothers Josh and Matty crawl in his crib, hug him and sing, “I am a Child of God.” ...If you have a moment please offer a prayer for the little boy who has never been able to utter a single word and yet has taught everyone who knows and loves him – all the secrets of a rich and meaningful life.