Wink from Heaven: What could have been

Friday, March 12, 2010

What could have been

When we were expecting Caleb, we knew he would have significant challenges. We knew he might not be born alive. When he was, we were hurried out of the NICU so that he could die at home. Our hearts were broken as we contemplated losing our baby boy, and we knew each day we had was a precious gift.
Because we've been so worried about losing him, we haven't mourned what could have been for Caleb. He could have quickly returned to heaven, but instead he has quietly brought heaven to us.
It is okay that he has a special body.
His presence...is enough.

I love you my angel boy.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...: Such a lovely moving post xx; March 13, 2010 at 12:11 AM
Candace said...: YES....YES....YES.....perfectly enough!; March 13, 2010 at 6:04 AM
Lacey said...: Beautiful!!; March 13, 2010 at 8:02 AM
Becky said...: That was beautiful April. I feel exactly the SAME way about Ben. Those pictures are just SO cute...I can't tell you how I long to squeeze that boy of yours. Please do it for me until I can come out again!!! xoxo; March 13, 2010 at 10:02 AM
Tara Bennett said...: He truly is such a gift. You are lucky to have him, but also amazing to keep the right perspective. Love you two!; March 13, 2010 at 10:14 AM
Devon said...: "He could have quickly returned to heaven, but instead he has quietly brought heaven to us."

Beautiful. And so true. I know it is for us as well.

Thanks for this today, April.; March 13, 2010 at 11:30 AM
Rubypat said...: I look at your beautiful little boy, and I see the love that surrounds him. I, too, have a little one, who at 6 mths of age was given weeks to live. She is now 7 years old, and in the first nearly 6 years of life she challenged all the medical predictions. The past 15 months have been filled with uncertainty, as her condition deteriorates, and we continually increase her pain medication to keep her comfortable. But she inspires me with her love and her courage, and I see the impact that her life has on other people. When she puts her arms up, to try to hug me, and says in her slow, slurred speech: "I ---- like ---- you." and I hug her and tell her "I LOVE you" I know that God has given me a special child to love and nurture. God bless you and your family.; March 15, 2010 at 9:08 AM
Bugg's mama said...: amen to that, sister!

Love, Bree; March 18, 2010 at 9:41 PM
The Five Jacksons said...: Thanks for always saying things so beautifully with such a positive perspective. You truly are an inspiration. I want to grow up to be like April!; March 21, 2010 at 8:20 AM
Janene Baadsgaard said...: Caleb has brought heaven to all of us. Thank you for sharing your holy experience.; March 21, 2010 at 10:18 PM

Prayer for Caleb

(written by Caleb's Grandma in her weekly column -2008-)

In my family we have a secret code to communicate our love for each other when we are out in public. We wink. When one of us is about to perform or speak, we look for a family member’s face in the crowd. Then we wink at each other. Closing one eye and winking is our secret code for saying, “I love you. You can do it. You’re wonderful.”

About three years ago, my grandson Caleb was born into our family. He must have known before birth that he would never be able to speak to us because he was born with one eyelid permanently closed. So, he is always “winking” at us, always communicating, “I love you. You can do it. You’re wonderful.”

Caleb has one eye lid permanently closed because he is missing one of his eyes . . . and he is also missing his brain. All the doctors said he would die soon after birth. They were wrong. Caleb is three years old. He is a medical miracle. The doctors say he can’t see, hear, speak, think or move. Those who know and love Caleb understand he has his own unique way of experiencing the world and communicating his love to those around him.

After Caleb was born the hospice people told us to buy a burial plot and continually warned us of his imminent death. We soon learned you can not live well in a state of fear and sadness. We decided we could spend Caleb’s entire life anxious and scared he might die at any moment, or we could celebrate each day we were blessed to have him with us. In the beginning, my daughter April celebrated Caleb’s birthday every week instead of every year with balloons and cupcakes because we simply did not know how long we would have him with us. We stopped the cupcakes after we gained ten pounds, but the celebrating goes on.

We all prayed for a miracle when we first learned about Caleb’s condition. We got one. Caleb’s birth, life and mission have had a deep and lasting impact on our lives. His spirit, eternal identity and most of all the loving, individual relationship he has with each of us is truly a miracle. Because of Caleb we know that each of us has a divine purpose and that the physical body is a sacred gift we should never take for granted. We better understand the worth of a soul and the resiliency of the human spirit.

Caleb’s five year old brother Matthew said, “Grandma. The doctors said Caleb was going to die, but he didn’t. That’s the first miracle I ever saw!”

Sometimes Caleb’s baby brother Mitchell pulls out his feeding tube while they hold hands riding together in their double stroller. Sometimes the only intervention that can get Caleb’s heart rate up is when his older brothers Josh and Matty crawl in his crib, hug him and sing, “I am a Child of God.” ...If you have a moment please offer a prayer for the little boy who has never been able to utter a single word and yet has taught everyone who knows and loves him – all the secrets of a rich and meaningful life.