Waterfall Wink

This past weekend we took our boys on a hike to Stewart Falls. The last time Dallan and I hiked there we were dating!  It was a beautiful hike to a beautiful place!  

Here's a "wink" from Josh on the trail!

The back pack Dallan is wearing is Caleb's feeding pump bag.  We use it on all of our adventures, and it makes me smile when I'm bringing up the rear and see a bit of Caleb with us. 

As we were hiking Mitchell asked Dallan, "Dad, do you think Caleb is able come with us on our adventures?" Dallan replied, "Of course he can!" Mitchell then replied, "Well then, Caleb's lucky because he probably never gets tired!"

How can I doubt?

How can I doubt God's love when he paints the sky for me to see while I'm doing my dishes?

 Heavenly Father winks at us in the most beautiful ways.

Timpanogos Caves

 Dallan and I recently took our boys on a hiking adventure to Timpanogos caves! If you look carefully you can see Matthew and I flashing a secret "W" for wink!

A Wink in the Marathon

My sweet friend Heidi recently sent me an e mail about a sister in her ward who was running her first marathon. She wanted to run with and for angels- to honor them. Heidi wrote to me saying :

  So, as you can see by the pictures, I asked her to add a "Wink" for Caleb... She conquers this goal tomorrow, and Caleb's Wink will be running with her. I love the message Caleb came to earth to give. I try to live it, and this is just one way I've shared it. Heidi

Thank you for sending a wink to the marathon, Heidi!  We were truly touched!

A Doctor's Wink

After Caleb was born I asked the attending NICU doctor who he would recommend as a pediatrician for such a medically fragile child.  He suggested Dr. David Johnson with Alpine pediatrics in Pleasant Grove.  

Dr. Johnson wasn't accepting new patients at the time, but he graciously agreed to care for Caleb and my other boys as well.  Not only did he care for them, but he loved them.   He came to our home for an entire year for Caleb's visits so we wouldn't have to bring him in to the office.  The first time Dr. Johnson met Caleb, he called him Elder Caleb.  I knew right away that he recognized the gift that we had been given. Dr. Johnson called Caleb his missionary, his Israelite Prince and his VIP.  Up to this point every doctor involved with Caleb told us to prepare to say good bye in a matter of weeks.  Dr. Johnson said, "I bet we can get Caleb to his first birthday!"  Words will never adequately express the gratitude I feel in my heart for a doctor who had a hopeful heart and made time to care for our family.    

Dr. Johnson often brought others with him on his visits.  He even brought his wife over to meet Caleb.  He brought wonderful nurses and he occasionally brought  Physicians Assistant, Jeff Abram.  Jeff immediately picked up Caleb and I could see he also understood how blessed we were.  I was so touched that I took a picture.

After that first year we started bringing Caleb into the office.  Doctor Johnson wasn't always available so we started seeing Jeff more frequently.  He took us under his wing and cared for us in such a tender way. He always had a surprise for Mitchell and a compliment to build me up.  He loved Caleb.  When I was worried, he worried.  When I cried, he shared tears with me.  When I was concerned  about exposing Caleb to more illnesses, he would come out to my car to check on him.  When I expressed my fears about saying good bye to Caleb, he always knew just what to say.  He was such a blessing to our whole family.  He kept that picture of him and Caleb on his desk, and I saw it every time I visited. 

After we moved to to Spanish Fork I commuted to Pleasant Grove for almost a year and a half because I just couldn't imagine going any where else.  In the fall I went in for an appointment;  Dr. Johnson and Jeff were both full that day so I saw another doctor.  With tears in my eyes I told him, I thought it might be time for me to find a doctor closer to home.  I didn't want to leave, I just felt like it would be in Caleb's best interest to have a doctor closer in case of an emergency.  He recommended a wonderful doctor in Spanish Fork and I prepared to leave.  I walked by Jeff's desk hoping to say good bye and caught him in between appointments.  I couldn't contain my tears as I told him we were going to switch to someone closer.  He found Dr. Johnson and as we shared our tears, another doctor and several nurses joined us as well.  They had all become a special part of our family. I am forever thankful for each one of them for being there during a sacred and tender time.  

Jeff came to Caleb's funeral and occasionally checks up on us to see how we're doing. 

Today I received this little note in my e mail:

...I just wanted to send you a "Wink" that we took with us on a recent vacation (Disney Cruise)...and I thought of you and sweet Caleb and your great family so wanted to share this with you...
"Wink!"
Jeff

My most heart felt thanks to doctors who truly understand the meaning of medical care.  

We are forever thankful.

Memorial Day

 It was a beautiful morning to visit the cemetery.  There were visors and flowers everywhere, yet memorial Day was unexpectedly hard for me. We left some flowers at Caleb's grave, and the boys let some balloons go with notes for Caleb tied to them. Usually our little traditions bring comfort to my heart, but that day I felt a  bit self conscious doing the things we usually do in more private moments.

As a child, memorial for me was a day when we stopped at the cemetery to see our more distant relatives before we spent the day barbecuing and playing with cousins. As a young adult the day became more tender as I now had grandparents to visit and remember. Now, as a mother, memorial day is a day for me to visit my son. 

As I walked through the cemetery my heart hurt as I walked by the grave of another child where the father was pulling the weeds and placing new flowers. My heart ached as I walked by rows and rows of flags and thought of mothers and fathers whose children went to war and never came home.   I was so tender as I suddenly saw how many people were longing for someone. 

 I saw them because I was one. 

 

Later that day we went to our family cabin. I watched my family barbecue and the cousins play while my heart was aching for Caleb to be there with us.

After lunch many of my family members decided to hike to the "big tree."  I didn't want to go. They kept insisting that I had to go because I had never been there before not realizing that inside my heart was crying " I've never hiked to it before because I always stayed behind to hold Caleb.  The fact that I can go is breaking my heart."

I did hike to the big tree.  

It was a beautiful hike to a tree that is the oldest of it's kind this side of the Mississippi.  

I was amazed by it's beauty and strength. As  I rounded the bend a bit further up the trail, my breath was taken away by the beauty of the view.

Sometimes it's hard for me to leave the cabin and those places that are so tender to my heart

yet I know when I do I'll find strength and perspective as a larger view unfolds before me.

(Pictures taken by my sister Arianne)