Yesterday afternoon Caleb seemed to aspirate after he had a throw-up episode. After he finally finished coughing, his breathing became a lot more shallow and he had a hard time keeping enough oxygen in his body. Last night I tucked him into bed with me and snuggled him for a while. While I worried and listened to him breathe, I was thinking- if tonight is my last night with you, what would I want to say?
If I knew I had to say goodbye to any of my sweet boys, what words would I want them to hear from their mom? I've asked myself that question numerous times especially during tender times with Caleb. It seems like there should be a bigger way to say "I love you"- Where are right words to say that I love them so much that it takes my breath away- that I love them so much that sometimes it even hurts- that I love them so much that my heart wants to beat for them?
I know that before they were born just the "hope" of them filled my heart with joy- that when I was expecting I loved knowing that they were growing right next to my heart- and now that they are here, my heart is wrapped so tightly around them that I can't breathe.
I took Caleb to the doctor today and spent the afternoon having chest x rays. He did aspirate and as a result has Pneumonia. He isn't moving air through his lungs very well. He is on a big dose of antibiotics and is in need of a lot of supplemental oxygen. My heart has been tender as I've wondered what I should say to Caleb today. How do I tell him how dear he is to me and how proud I am of him? But then when I wrap my arms around him, and when I'm really still, I can feel his heart telling me that he knows- and that "I love you" is enough.
No comments:
Post a Comment