Merry Christmas!

Because He lives...

Almost every year since Caleb was born he has been the angel in our Christmas Eve nativity.  The angel wings perfectly suited our precious boy.

 One year when it was time for the angel to appear, Dallan lifted Caleb high above his head and said, "fear not, for I bring you tidings of great joy..." We all stopped.  We were taken back after hearing Dallan's voice speak for Caleb with such heavenly power.  Perhaps we had a glimpse of Caleb's voice that day.  

I knew this Christmas season would be tender, but I still wasn't prepared.  It has been a sweet and a wonderful season, yet my heart has ached more deeply that I could have imagined.  

I miss him.

On a day I was especially tender our dear friend sent us the lyrics we asked him to sing at Caleb's funeral:

A long time ago in a beautiful place,

Children were gathered ’round Jesus.

He blessed and taught as they felt of His love.

Each saw the tears on His face.

The love that He felt for His little ones

I know He feels for me.

I did not touch Him or sit on His knee,

Yet, Jesus is real to me.

I know He lives!

I will follow faithfully.

My heart I give to Him.

I know that my Savior loves me.

Now I am here in a beautiful place,

Learning the teachings of Jesus.

Parents and teachers will help guide the way,

Lighting my path ev’ry day.

Wrapped in the arms of my Savior’s love,

I feel His gentle touch.

Living each day, I will follow His way,

Home to my Father above.

 

I know He lives!

I will follow faithfully.

My heart I give to Him.

I know that my Savior loves me.

  

Because He lives, I know Caleb lives- as we all shall.   

My heart I give to Him this season and always.

“I declare my personal witness that death has been conquered, victory over the tomb has been won. May the words made sacred by Him who fulfilled them become actual knowledge to all. Remember them. Cherish them. Honor them. He is risen.

(President Thomas S. Monson) 

A Super Hero Miracle

My little Mitchell loves super heroes and recently had a super hero birthday.  

The other day I walked into Mitchell's room and found him on his knees.  He looked at me with wonder in his eyes and quietly said "I just had a miracle." He explained he couldn't find one of his super heroes and so he prayed that Heavenly Father would help him find it.  When he opened his eyes he immediately found it.  I walked in just as he realized his prayer had been answered.  

Seeing Mitchell pray was especially touching to me because Mitchell recently asked me "Why do Heavenly Father and Jesus choose families to do mean things to?" When I asked him what he meant he said "Why did Heavenly Father choose to have Caleb die?  If he loves us, then why would he want to make us sad?" I explained that Heavenly Father doesn't necessarily make sad things happen, but He promises to always be there to help us, comfort us, and give us strength when they do.  Mitchell believes in miracles. He knows Heavenly Father can do anything, so it's been hard for him to understand why sometimes God allows sad things to happen.  He said, "Sometimes I don't feel like praying because I don't feel very happy with Him."   

Mitchell's little heart has had to deal with great big feelings this year... He's really been missing Caleb.  I'm so thankful for those moments when Heavenly Father shows Mitchell that He knows him and that He will always be there to help him... even when he needs help finding a super hero.

A little bit of Christmas

A WINK Tree!

Several weeks ago I received an e mail from a sweet friend I knew from a singles ward.  In it she wrote: (shared with permission)

"...I read the story about your son Caleb in one of your mom's books and then read more about him on your blogs. Thank you for sharing his story. Reading about Caleb and your family has been inspiring to me. I love the message of sharing love with a "Wink". I live in Delta now and each year our community has a Christmas Tree Festival where people in the community decorate Christmas trees and then donate them to the festival. The trees are auctioned to businesses or community members and all of the proceeds go to Sub for Santa and the Food Bank. I am in the young women's presidency in my ward and this year the young women and young men in our ward will be joining with people in our community who have special needs to decorate a tree for the festival. We were hoping to share Caleb's story with our Young Men and Young Women and then have the theme of our Christmas tree be "Wink"...We would like to encourage our youth to share love this holiday with a "Wink" in honor of Caleb..."

We were so humbled that they thought of our family and sweet Caleb...  

Thank you to our sweet friends in Delta!   Seeing pictures of the Wink tree delighted our hearts during a tender holiday season for us.  We are so touched and are truly thankful!

May you always know of our love and gratitude for each one of you.  

Sending all our love and a wink from heaven! 

Christmas for Caleb

For our first Family Home Evening of the Christmas season we talked about what we should give Caleb for Christmas this year. We discussed what Caleb would want most and decided he would want us to be kind ("wink") and make good choices.   We also talked about how one act of kindness can have a snow ball effect.  So I made a jar that the boys could put a little snow ball in every time they made kind choice or went the extra mile to make a good choice.  We're hoping to have it full by Christmas Eve so we can put it by Caleb's stocking.... "wink!" 

   

I hope that our jar will help us feel close to heaven during this tender Christmas season.  

We love you sweet Caleb!

Matthew's birthday

Dear Matthew,

I know it's your birthday and I want you to know I am with you to celebrate today!  I hope you know how much I love you and how thankful I am that you are my brother.  I loved it when you would wrap my arms around you so we could hug each other. Today I am wrapping my arms around you without any help at all.  I hope you can feel my love soaking right into your heart.    I know you miss me, but I promise I will always be there for you even though you can't see me. You can talk to me with your heart and I will still melt your worries away.  

I love you forever, Matthew.

Love

Caleb

You can read a tender story my mom wrote for Matthew's birthday here. 

Hand Me Downs

After Caleb died I kept the last outfit he wore laying on his bed for months so I could smell it every morning and remember his sweet baby lotion scent.  When it lost it's Caleb smell, I tucked that outfit into a treasure box but couldn't bring myself to go through the rest of his clothing.  Every time I opened those dresser drawers I couldn't breathe.

I've thought about boxing up his outfits and saving them forever.  I've thought about cutting them up and making them into a quilt.  But nothing has felt quite right so I have just left them tucked in his dresser.

The other day, 8 months after Caleb passed away, I opened those drawers.  I removed a few of his shirts and held them against my chest and cried.  As I went to return them back to their place, I realized Caleb's clothes were now Mitchell's size.  I called Mitchell and asked if he would like to try them on.  He was over joyed!  They fit him perfectly and helped him to feel close to Caleb.

  Seeing Caleb's clothes on Mitchell felt just right.  All of my boys pass their clothes on to one another, and seeing Caleb have one more chance to give his hand me downs to Mitchell melted my heart.  
As I watched Mitchell try on outfit after outfit...

I could breathe.  

Wink!

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween 

From my favorite Super Hero!

I'll miss dressing you up today Captain Caleb.

I'm sure you are busy being Heaven's Hero!

xoxo

A Wink of Autumn

 “Autumn carries more gold in its pocket than all the other seasons.”

Dear Caleb, 

 I can only imagine the golden splendor of Fall where you are!

You are tucked in our hearts on these magical Autumn days.

I love you my sunshine boy.

Love

us

A "Joy"ful WInk

This past week sweet Joy would have been 7 years old.  We haven't met her family personally but our hearts are knit together in sweet and tender ways.  Joy's family decided to share 7 smiles for her birthday, and one of the smiles they shared was for us!  On their blog they wrote: 
We ended our adventure by going to Joy’s grave.  The cemetery, to us, is a lovely, wonderful, beautiful, happy place.  While we were there, we shared our last smile of the day–actually, it was a wink.  Although we don’t know them personally, we have been deeply touched by the story of Caleb and his family and we thought it would be fun to give a wink from the Tetons, but the kids wanted Joy to be able to join in, too–so we did it from her marker.  I know she joined in…
Thank you for sending us a wink on Joy's special day!  We were touched more than words can say- we love you.
You can read more about Joy's 7 smiles and her amazing family here!

Come Listen to a Prophet's Voice

Every six months we have the opportunity to listen to our living prophet, apostles and other church leaders during our General Conference.  During each conference my heart is touched, my testimony is strengthened, and my prayers are answered.  Even if you are not a member of my faith, I invite you to listen.  I promise you will be lifted, your prayers will be answered, and you will feel the love of our Heavenly Father.  Our last general conference took place just 2 months after Caleb passed away.  The quotes below really touched my tender heart:

(Ronald A Rasband)

“For reasons usually unknown, some people are born with physical limitations. Specific parts of the body may be abnormal. Regulatory systems may be out of balance. And all of our bodies are subject to disease and death. Nevertheless, the gift of a physical body is priceless. …

“A perfect body is not required to achieve a divine destiny. In fact, some of the sweetest spirits are housed in frail frames. …

“Eventually the time will come when each ‘spirit and … body shall be reunited again in … perfect form; both limb and joint shall be restored to its proper frame’ (Alma 11:43). Then, thanks to the Atonement of Jesus Christ, we can become perfected in Him.”¹

To all of you who have challenges, concerns, disappointments, or heartaches with a dear one, know this: with infinite love and everlasting compassion, God our Heavenly Father loves your afflicted one, and He loves you!... You can read the entire talk here.

(Richard G Scott )

Relationships can be strengthened through the veil with people we know and love. That is done by our determined effort to continually do what is right. We can strengthen our relationship with the departed individual we love by recognizing that the separation is temporary and that covenants made in the temple are eternal. When consistently obeyed, such covenants assure the eternal realization of the promises inherent in them...You can read the entire talk here.

You can watch or listen to General Conference live here, or you can read the transcripts within a few days.  Happy listening!

The Empty Bed

The weeks following Caleb's funeral we donated most of his medical equipment and supplies. It was a sweet opportunity to meet wonderful families and to share our love in small and tender ways. At that time there were a few things I wasn't ready to share yet... Caleb's bed and his wheel chair. 

We kept Caleb in a crib for as long as we could but as he grew we could see he really needed something more. He needed a bed that could help with positioning, yet hospital beds were so expensive. We were blessed with a wonderful doctor who pleaded our case, and we ended up getting the perfect bed covered by our insurance! I knew in my heart that Caleb's bed was a direct blessing from a loving Heavenly Father.

Caleb's bed blessed our lives in so many ways. We were able to keep him much more comfortable. We could elevate his upper body to help his little lungs and his tummy during his night time feedings. Caleb's brother's spent hours in bed cuddling and talking to him. Every day Matthew crawled into bed with him to get his "morning snuggle."

After Caleb died I often found Mitchell quietly sitting in Caleb's bed hugging his stuffed animals.  I would find Josh in Caleb's room when he needed some quiet time.  Every morning I would walk into Caleb's room and lay my head in his bed to tell him good morning and that I love him. For months I could still see the print of his head in his blanket.  Matthew, however, couldn't even go into Caleb's room; it broke his heart to see that empty bed.

Several weeks ago my dear friend Emily called to see if we had decided what to do with Caleb's bed. Her son is one of Caleb's best buddies, and he has a very similar condition and prognosis. Hunter had been struggling and needed something to help him be more comfortable. She asked if we would be willing to sell Caleb's bed to them. My heart and eyes were over flowing as I explained we wouldn't sell it but would be honored to give it to them.   We knew Heavenly Father provided a way for us to have it when we needed it most, and it would be an privilege to be able to do the same for someone else- especially someone we love so much!

It was tender for me to think of Caleb's room with out his bed in it. I knew it wouldn't be the same, and I worried how my boys would respond.  I gathered them in my room and asked them who they thought Caleb's best friends were. They immediately thought of Hunter. I asked them, "What if Caleb was standing here with us and we told him that Hunter needed his bed so he could be more comfortable?" They said, "Caleb would want him to have it!"  I then explained that Emily called to see if they could buy Caleb's bed and Matthew responded, "But we wouldn't sell it to them would we? We should give it to them!" The other boys excitedly agreed. I cried as I saw them reach their own conclusion-responding just the way Caleb would have wanted them to. What wonderful brothers they continue to be for him.

When Hunter's Dad came to pick up the bed we were touched to see  they brought Hunter's bed to put in it's place so his room wouldn't be so empty.  I  was moved as I watched Matthew help take it apart and load it up.  And my heart broke when Mitchell fell into my lap and cried when they left.  
Letting go of things that hold countless memories is hard.  Yet seeing sweet Hunter in Caleb's bed was healing.  It wasn't meant to be empty.  

For the first time Matthew has been spending time in Caleb's room, and he has spent several nights sleeping in the bed Hunter gave us.  Mitchell still cries sometimes when he walks into Caleb's room, but tonight he and Josh are tucked in Hunter's bed with tender memories of their brother and sweet dreams of Hunter.  My heart is full as I think of both beds being filled with the little boys who needed them most.  

(Sweet Dreams Hunter)

Winking Play Dough

The other day Mitchell called me into the kitchen where he was playing with play dough. 

 Look Mom, It's Caleb!

It touches my heart to see the sweet ways my boys remember their brother.

A Wink at the Beach

I love the beach!  It's hard to tell where the water ends and heaven begins... Thank you for bringing a wink to beach Jeff!

(Our favorite doctor from Alpine Pediatrics)

A Wink From Finland!

Uncle Greg made our day when he sent us a wink all the way from Finland!

 Thanks Greg!

A Wink in Vienna, Austria

Sending a little wink from the Hapsburg's summer palace in Vienna, Austria!

A Wink in Prague, Czech Republic

The Cougarettes were great sports to help us take a wink all over Prague! I know Caleb was with us, and I could feel his spirit in everything beautiful we saw.

 (to see more of our trip check our family blog by clicking on our family picture on the sidebar)

 The Cougarettes in Old Town near our hotel

 On Charles Bridge

 At Karlstejn Castle

A Wink on the John Lennon Peace Wall

 When John Lennon was murdered in 1980 he became a sort of hero to some of the young Czech people.  His picture was painted on this wall along with other graffiti and lyrics that encouraged free speech non violent rebellion.  Back then the Czech people had very little freedom so their expressions on the wall were considered to be against the state. However, even the threat of prison couldn't keep people from slipping there at night to paint graffiti of the Beatles and also their own hopes and dreams on the wall. 

 Some people say John Lennon's Peace wall is the Prague's equivalent of the Berlin Wall.  The original wall used to be covered in anti communist graffiti but is now covered in messages of love and peace.  John Lennon's picture is long lost under layers of new paint, but you can still find many tributes to him and the Beatles. 

We couldn't resist adding our own message of love to the wall... "WINK!"

Near the Lennon Wall there are railings covered in padlocks.  Local Lore says that couples put their padlock on the railing then throw the key into the river below to demonstrate their love and commitment.  It reminds me of the sealing power and promise from our Heavenly Father that love is eternal and families are forever.  I loved this quote from an article discussing the locking of hearts:
With time, keys in the water will drift away, engraved or written names will slowly fade away, padlocks will disintegrate or perhaps be removed, but a covenant with God will remain throughout all eternity. 
I am eternally thankful for the blessing of a temple marriage and the promise that our family is not only together for this time, but for all of eternity.   

Wink Day- Six Months

Dear Caleb,
It has been six months since you started a new chapter in your mission. Our hearts are so full of love for you, and we miss you every day.  There are many things that I know:

1.  I know where you are, and I know you are happy. 
2.  I know you have a special work to do, and I know you are busy. 
3.  I know that you keep a careful watch over our family, and that you love us.  
4.  I know you love Heavenly Father and the Savior and that you continue to be a special witness for Them.
5.  I know you want us to be happy and continue to make joyful memories together. 
6.  I know I can trust Heavenly Father's plan for our family.

Even though I know these things with all of my heart,  I'm still your mama and I ache for you.  

1.  I miss the overwhelming celestial spirit I felt every time I walked in your room  in the morning. 
2.  I miss smothering you with lotion and kisses. 
3.  I miss wrapping you up in my arms and feeling your fuzzy hair tickle my nose.
4.  I miss your soft fingers, your fluffy feet, and your wee little wink.   
5.  I miss seeing heaven shine out of your smiles.
6.  I miss feeling your testimony when I held you close to my heart and listened.

Even though our hearts are tender, I hope you know:

1. We are still a joyful family, and we are making happy memories together.
2. Your brothers still help you when it's your turn for family prayer, and they always say "High Five Caleb" when we drive near the cemetery. 
3.  We know that the best way we can continue to show our love for you is to find someone who needs our love.
4.  We will always find ways to share a wink wherever we go.
5.  We know that even those most tender days are all a part of  the privilege of having you.
6.  I will always hold you close to my heart and when I am very still and listen, I can still feel your testimony.

I love you more than words can say.  Thank you for the honor of being your mother.  I am forever changed. I am forever thankful.
Love, 
Mom

God Delights to Own and Bless You

When I was in 8th grade, I had to choose a country to report on to my class. I chose the country of Austria because it was the country I wanted to visit most in the world! I remember showing clips from the "Sound of Music" and bringing pastries and cheese for the class to sample. Oh I hoped someday I would be able to visit the country where the hills were alive!

 Back in October Dallan's co workers in the athletic department asked if he and I could accompany the BYU Cougarettes on an international competition in Prague and Vienna! The trip was scheduled for July. They were aware that it was difficult for us to leave Caleb and were hoping that by giving us enough notice we could arrange some nursing for him so we would be able to go. To say were were thrilled to have that opportunity is an understatement. 

However, as I really started to think about it, I was very conflicted inside. Dallan and I had never both been away from Caleb at the same time, and I was nervous about being so far away from him. I was terrified something might happen while we were gone. I started toying with the idea of joining Dallan for a couple of days but even that didn't feel right. By the time February came we still hadn't firmly committed. Little did we know how much our lives would change. After Caleb died, going to Austria was the furthest thing from our minds; However the time came to commit to the trip... and we did. I cried the whole way to the passport office.


 A couple of weeks ago we returned from the trip of a life time time. Prague was amazing and Austria was everything I imagined. While on our trip a phrase from the hymn "Dearest Children God is Near You" kept going through my mind. And (God) delights to own and bless you... Back in October we didn't know how different our lives would be in July. God did. No one in the Athletic department knew that this was the place I wanted to visit most in the world. God did. We didn't know how each one of the girls we traveled with would touch our hearts. God did. He delighted our hearts with a blessing that was beyond what we could have ever imagined for ourselves. (And guess what, hills really are alive!)

I'll continue to update our family blog with more pictures!

(moodymiracles.blogspot.com)

Bloom and Grow Forever

After Caleb passed away some dear friends gave us the funds to purchase a special tree we could plant in his memory.   We ended up having enough to not only plant a tree, but a little flower garden around it! I picked a rose of Sharon tree because they stay small and sweet, but bloom with the most beautiful flowers in the summer time.  It started blooming a few weeks ago and every time I walk out the front door I think of the words from Edelweiss: 

  ...Ev'ry morning you greet me 
Small and white

clean and bright

You look happy to meet me.  

Blossom of snow 

May you bloom and grow 

Bloom and grow forever...

Those sweet heavenly blossoms make me think of our sweet boy every time I walk outside.

With all of my heart,

Thank you.

I Have Been Changed for Good

This past Christmas I heard that WICKED was coming to town!  The last time it came to Salt Lake I tried for hours to get tickets but was unsuccessful.  I crossed my fingers this time and called the ticket office to see if I could surprise Dallan with tickets for Christmas.  There were some seats left, but none of them were together, so I decided to send a message to Dallan work.

Me:  So... would you want to see WICKED?!!!!

Dallan:  Why?

Me:  Because I really really really want to see it but just found out there are no seats together. 

 Would you still consider going?

Dallan:  Um...what if  hypothetically we already had tickets for July 19th.....?

I had hoped to surprise Dallan with tickets for Christmas, and he had already purchased them for me for a birthday surprise.  I was really touched that he knew how delighted I would be.

 With a heart full of gratitude and delight, I went on a special date with my sweet heart along with my brother Jacob and his wife Teresa.  We ate a wonderful dinner at the Copper Onion then went to see WICKED! Oh I absolutely loved every minute! 

I couldn't help but think of Caleb during several parts of my favorite song:

 It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me 
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart

...But because I knew  you,

I have been changed for good.

Waterfall Wink

This past weekend we took our boys on a hike to Stewart Falls. The last time Dallan and I hiked there we were dating!  It was a beautiful hike to a beautiful place!  

Here's a "wink" from Josh on the trail!

The back pack Dallan is wearing is Caleb's feeding pump bag.  We use it on all of our adventures, and it makes me smile when I'm bringing up the rear and see a bit of Caleb with us. 

As we were hiking Mitchell asked Dallan, "Dad, do you think Caleb is able come with us on our adventures?" Dallan replied, "Of course he can!" Mitchell then replied, "Well then, Caleb's lucky because he probably never gets tired!"