Home

Caleb is home with us tonight! We spent the morning getting all of his equipment set up and his supplies organized. When everything is running, it sounds a little bit like a subway station! We picked Caleb up this afternoon and he looked so cute wearing clothes again! He always looks a little bit sicker when he's just sitting there in his diaper with wires and tubes everywhere! On the counter we found that another therapist left her name and phone number to call if we ever needed help with Caleb while we went to church. I was so touched.
Caleb did well on the car ride home and is doing well in his cozy bed. We are so happy to be all together again. One thing I am feeling tender about is his ability to be portable. Right now he really needs the humidifier and oxygen so he is quite confined to his little room. It feels like we are back to where we were when he was a new baby and didn't leave the nursery for 3 months. I know that as time goes on, we'll be able to see what Caleb is capable of, and all of his new cares will be a normal part of our routine. Life is like that. You just adapt and find joy in every day. We're all together, Caleb can breath better, and that makes me happy.

Thankful

Sometimes the hospital can be a tender place to be...tonight I'm thinking of things I'm thankful for during this hospital stay:
* Nurses and techs who are compassionate!
* A visitor!
* A surprise balloon and teddy bear!
* 60 cent mashed potatoes in the cafeteria!
* A remodeled front entrance
* Meeting special families.
* Free ice water
* Leaving the PICU! (who knew you could use the phone, have visitors, use the bathroom and eat in your very own room!)
* Meeting a special down syndrome friend in the PICU
* BYU and UTAH rivalry among patients and staff
* A special visit from Josh and Matthew
* A few moments alone with my hubby in the cafeteria
* New knowledge
* Selfless service from family and friends
* Yummy surprises
* Driving to the hospital listening to Christmas music
* Driving home from the hospital while listening to Christmas music
* Not ONE bad weather day to drive in!
* A special friend who has "been there" with a trach child
* Kind comments to read when I got home at night
* Chocolate chip macadamia nut cookies in the cafeteria
* a parking spot every day
* Soft hands (they have good hand lotion in Caleb's care box)
* unlimited rocking chair time
* The Calder game (the book I read)
* Secret Leaf rakers
* Oxygen
* Only two IV's!
* Tissues
* A pink little boy
* Answered prayers
* Courage

Answered Prayers

We would never expected to have Caleb home by Thanksgiving, but he is coming home tomorrow! We were doubtful for a while today...Caleb spiked another fever, didn't have enough wet diapers, and was labored in his breathing. After blood tests, urine tests, and another chest xray, they are still going to let him come home! His test results came back in normal range, and his lungs look the same as they did when we brought him in. They say he has chronic lung disease. In response to that diagnosis, Caleb started breathing better and has had his oxygen turned all the way down to 1 liter! He won't let chronic lung disease keep him from being home for Thanksgiving! He still has a ways to go, and we're gearing up for around the clock care for a while, but we're so happy we can snuggle him at home!
On another note, I had an answer to yet another prayer today. Caleb's nurse and technician were both asking me how we find balance with our other boys. I was telling them how privileged we feel to take care of such a sweet little boy and how the boys are really understanding of the ways we have to adapt. I told them that one of our biggest challenges was getting to church in the Winter. I can't leave Caleb with anyone who isn't trained to care for all of his needs. Because Dallan is the bishop, sometimes the older boys have to sit with ward members while I stay home with Caleb. Both the technician and the nurse we had today told me that they live in my same city and that they would love it if I would call them to help watch Caleb while I go to sacrament meeting with my other boys. I cried....a lot. One of these sweet ladies isn't even LDS, but saw that it was important to me and wanted to help. I was so touched by her Christ-like willingness to serve our family. Because they are nurses, they are already trained. Because they have been watching over Caleb the past couple of days, they already know him and his little personality. There are so many things that I've prayed for over the past few weeks. I almost forgot that request for help in the midst of so many health concerns. Heavenly Father didn't forget. I am humbled that while I've been praying for help and clarity with Caleb, Heavenly Father saw fit to answer this prayer at a time and in a place where I didn't even expect it.

Lap time

Caleb had a much better day yesterday! They were able to put an artificial nose with an oxygen adapter on his trach and he tolerated it quite well. He isn't requiring quite as much oxygen, but will likely still need it for while when he gets home. I gave Caleb a bed bath yesterday, and he loved that! Then I pulled the rocking chair over to all of his monitors and put him on my lap for the rest of the afternoon. Caleb was actually able to relax while I rocked and snuggled him! Today they are going to continue turning his oxygen down, and they'll continue to treat the skin around his trach and neck. His poor neck is so red and inflamed. Hopefully it's starting to heal. We are planning to bring him home tomorrow! We are so thankful that we'll get him home for thanksgiving! We are truly blessed!

Never Alone

We all have things that we do in our lives that we have to do alone. Some of those moments take place in the hospital for me. There are times when it's just me and Caleb in his room and I'm watching his monitors drop, I'm wondering when and if he's going to start feeling better, and I'm wishing it wasn't necessary to learn how to "bag" him and do CPR. I don't feel abandoned, it's just that this is a very individual experience at times. Sometimes when I'm eating in the cafeteria, I see tables full of nurses and others laughing and carrying on... they don't know that I'm sitting in the corner wondering if my little boy is going to be with me for very long. Sometimes it feels like the world just shouldn't go on like that. But, I know in those alone moments, that Heavenly Father is so near. He knows how we feel as we sit in the corner, and His world stops to feel it with us. Caleb had a challenging day today. He had a hard time relaxing, his heart was racing and he needed so much suctioning in his lungs. He seems like he's still fighting illness and is trying to recover from surgery as well. His skin on his neck and around the trach is so red from all of the moisture. Over all, I still think he's doing well, I just worry.
Today we learned how to clean and take care of his trach. We took the trach out and put a new one in and did a lot of hands on care. After Dallan left I put on a pair of scrubs and crawled into bed with Caleb and just held him for 4 hours. I think being able to do that is one of the hidden blessings of being in the hospital. I could give all of my attention to Caleb, and I could keep him on my lap as long as I wanted. I got really good at holding him with one hand and suctioning with the other. I know Caleb knew I was holding him even though he couldn't relax at times. He knew I was there and that he wasn't alone. I know he'll continue to recover from being sick, and that his body will be strong and his skin will heal.
I know that even when I can't relax, I only need to be still and know that The Heavenly Father is holding me and that I'm never alone.

Special visitors

Caleb was moved from the ICU into his own room yesterday! Dallan spent the morning with him, then took a break to go to the BYU vs. Utah game. He met Josh and Matthew at the game then brought them back to see Caleb. Caleb was sad to hear the score- but he was so happy to see his brothers!

RA RA RA-RA-RA...Go Caleb!

Yesterday was a pretty good day for Caleb. He was able to come off of the ventilator and is breathing on his own with a little bit of extra oxygen! He did spike a high fever, so much of the day was spent trying to keep his fever down. He had spells of being quite uncomfortable, but had some restful times too. Today he's going to have his first trach change. I can't wait because his neck is so dirty! The doctors haven't let us wash it because they don't want the trach disturbed at all until the first trach change. Yesterday we learned how to suction the trach, so I practiced all day on him! I'm amazed how much can squirt out of that hole... hopefully when he gets feeling better, it won't be quite so much, or we're going to get some snazzy bibs for Caleb to wear!
The hospital is in the heart of UTE territory, so we've been having fun wearing our BYU clothes-we even put a BYU hat on Caleb so there's no doubt where we stand!! It's been funny to bond with fellow BYU fans, and to get razzed by the UTES...all in good fun! Dallan is going to sneak away from the hospital to see the game, then he'll go back to let Caleb know how it turned out!
RA RA RA-RA-RA..... Go CALEB! (and cougars, too)

Rosy cheeks and bubbles

We made it through 24 hours after surgery with no major hic-ups! Hooray for Caleb!
Today Caleb was still on the ventilator, but as the day went on, he started breathing quite a bit on his own. The doctor has slowly been weaning him of the ventilator and will probably do a spontaneous trial tonight to see how he does with only a trach mask. Hopefully by tomorrow Caleb will be breathing on his own through the trach. Caleb's color looks so good! It is so wonderful to have a little boy with rosy cheeks! His cheeks stayed pink all day.... ALL DAY! It made my heart feel so much more peaceful to see that the trach really seems like it is going to help Caleb feel happy in his little body. Caleb has so many secretions coming out of his mouth, nose and trach! You should see the bubbles he can blow! So I constantly slurped the bubbles for him and enjoyed every minute I got with him today. Dallan and I had a 2 hour training today to introduce us to trach care. We have another class in the morning for 2 more hours, so we're slowly learning how to be Caleb's experts! I'm excited to learn all I can so that I can take good care of him and bring him home! We truly appreciate your prayers! We know our family is so blessed by the faith that is exercised in our behalf!

Faith instead of fear

Caleb had so much courage today! Caleb had a difficult morning because he still wasn't feeling well. When we got to the hospital and checked him in, the doctor ordered a chest x ray because he wasn't getting enough oxygen. Sure enough, he's fighting pneumonia! They all agreed that going forward with the surgery was in his best interest, so we changed him into his hospital clothes and wheeled him down the long hallway with the anesthesiologist. Saying good bye was the hardest part. I just love that little boy so much. Dallan said the last words from his mouth were "Play hard Max Hall... go BYU!" The anesthesiologist called to tell me that his intubation was smooth, and that the surgery was going well. It took a little over an hour, but everything was "smooth sailing" as our doctor put it. He told us we could see him in about 10 minutes--- but we ended up waiting for almost an hour and a half! I could sit still for a few minutes at a time then would have to pace the hallway. We were so happy to finally see him. He looked so much better than we thought he would. His color already looked so much better! We spent the evening with him, then got him all tucked in and cozy before we left to get some sleep. He still isn't feeling well, but hopefully he'll be on the mend. Right now he still isn't breathing on his own. He is being ventilated through the trach. Hopefully, his little body will remember what to do! Dallan and I have 4 training classes- 2 hours each, and then we have to take care of Caleb on our own for 12 hours before we can bring him home. I am so thankful for sweet Caleb. I am so thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who stands by our side in our most tender moments. And I'm so thankful for all of the kind words you have all shared with me. Thank you for helping me to feel faith instead of fear!
Right before we took Caleb to the hospital


Waiting for surgery

We got lots of comments about our obvious preference for BYU



After surgery

Parts

The hardest part? Trying to figure out which of Caleb's parts I love best.

Caleb has my double jointed thumbs


How can you resist such pudgy feet?


Dandelion fluff hair-do


My little "winker" (even though he's sleeping right now...)


My little buddy- hand in hand and heart to heart!

Trach day

Today Caleb is going in for his tracheostomy. It really has been an agonizing decision, and I've had many tender moments in those quiet night time hours. Caleb has been sick for the past week. He hasn't been keeping his feedings down, and he has really been struggling to breathe. Those moments when he's turning blue,and looking panicked are the moments that really make me think that a trach is necessary. The doctor is aware that he's sick, but he still wants to go ahead with the surgery. He thinks it will just get more difficult the more we get into RSV season. We were not able to get the g tube scheduled because there weren't any surgeons available, so Caleb will be getting his trach and tubes in his ears today. I've been making arrangements for my other boys, cleaning my house, packing my bags, and working on Christmas cards- and now that I'm all ready, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that it's going to be overwhelming to take care of Caleb in a new way. I'm afraid I won't hear his voice again. I'm afraid that I won't be able to bathe him the same way. I'm afraid that Caleb will be hurting, and I'm afraid that my other boys are worried. I'm afraid of going back to the hospital because it has always been such a dramatic experience. I'm afraid that Caleb will be afraid.
Caleb's surgery is at 1:00 PM today. I'm praying that Heavenly Father will replace my fear with faith and that all will be well! I love you my sweet Caleb.

Family picture

I remember the night I had an ultra sound and found out that our baby Caleb had significant problems. We were faced with the unbearable possibility that our baby might not be born alive. Our first glimpses of him we were filled with worry and deeper heartache than I had ever felt before. The next day I remember telling my mom, "this isn't how I imagined my family picture." I didn't imagine hanging a family picture on my wall that had someone missing. I also hadn't pictured a child who's time may be limited and whose challenges would be severe. It wasn't that I didn't want a disabled child. I wanted Caleb more than anything in the world. I had the opportunity to voice how much we wanted Caleb in many of those early doctor appointments when they presented our options. I pleaded with Heavenly Father for the opportunity to take care of our baby no matter how big his challenges were. We wanted Caleb with all of our hearts, his circumstances just weren't what I had pictured. I remember that phrase This isn't how I imagined my family picture every time I put a new photograph in a frame, add a picture to a scrap book, or hang a portrait on my wall. My heart is filled with so much gratitude every time I look at my sweet little family inside those frames. It wasn't what I had pictured, it is so much sweeter than I could ever have imagined. I would never have pictured how proud I would feel of Caleb for his courage, faith and patience. I never pictured how full my heart would feel as I watch my other little boys lovingly watch over him. I never pictured how my sweet little boy, whose time may be limited and whose challenges are severe, would touch the deepest parts of our hearts and change our lives forever. Just yesterday Matthew told me, I just get such a big loving feeling inside whenever I'm around Caleb- and I just have to hug him.
I took our little family into the studio for some last minute pictures before Caleb goes in for surgery. The pictures aren't fancy, but nothing could be more beautiful to me. I would never have pictured the exquisit delight I would feel in hanging photographs of theses precious souls on my wall.

A little prayer for Caleb

Caleb has had increased complications with his breathing ever since he was hospitalized last Spring for RSV. He obstructs his breathing often throughout the day, and when he's agitated we often have to hold his mouth open for him so that he can get a good breath. I scheduled Caleb for a tracheostomy surgery a few weeks ago because we wanted to see how we felt after taking a step in that direction. We've been really prayerful about whether or not this is right for Caleb. It has been a really difficult decision because Caleb has really good days, and then has really challenging days. On the good days, a trach doesn't seem necessary at all, but on the hard days, I can hardly bear to see how hard he works to breathe. Overall we've decided that a trach has a lot of potential to improve Caleb's quality of life, so we've decided to go ahead with the surgery which is scheduled for next Wednesday. We are also waiting to hear back about the possibility of doing a g tube surgery at the same time. My heart is so tender as I contemplate taking this step and changing the way we've taken care of Caleb up to this point. But I know Heavenly Father will wrap us all up in his arms and help us to have courage. If you have a quiet moment, please say a little prayer for our sweet boy!

Fluffy

I just love fluff-- Caleb fluff. His little body is so fluffy and completely snuggable! His little feet are so cute and pudgy- I love to rub those sweet little feet! His fingers look like little potbellied people, and I love how his knuckles are little dimples in his hands. And oh the cheeks, those soft round cheeks! They are so irresistibly kissable. Even Caleb's hair is as puffy as a dandelion, blow on it and make a wish! Thank you for being so fluffy, Caleb, and for reminding me that a little bit of fluff is a good thing!

Last Hurrah

Last week I took Caleb and Mitchell to the park with a few of their little buddies for one last hurrah before the cold settled in. It felt so good to soak in the sunshine and get pink cheeks!