Wink from Heaven: Asking in Faith

Monday, July 25, 2011

Asking in Faith

A few weeks ago our little rabbit Lu Lu died. It was really heart breaking for all of us. It was the first close experience my children have had with death. They loved and cared for their bunny every single day and seeing her still little body just broke their hearts. We've all been really tender about it. Matthew took all of the pictures down that he drew of her because they made him too sad. Sometimes the boys still cry at night when they think about her. One night as Matthew was sobbing, he said, "If it hurts this much to have Lu Lu die, how will we stand it if Caleb dies?"

Oh my sweet boys. They love their brother so much. We live a joyful life and can usually put our fears aside and focus on the blessing of each day. However, sometimes there are moments when fears of losing Caleb creep up and make us feel extra tender inside.

For the past several weeks Caleb's heart rate has been really low. He's been spending more and more time in the 40's and one night even dipped all the way down to 36. The fears I keep tucked in the quiet corners of my heart have been creeping. I've been extra tender inside as I've visited with doctors and scheduled appointments with cardiology. My little boys have been extra worried too.

The other night Matthew said to Dallan,
"Dad, Caleb isn't going to die." to which Dallan responded, "well everyone is going to die sometime." Matthew replied, "Not if Caleb makes it to the Lord's second coming, then he'll just be "twinkled" right? And besides, in the scriptures it says if you ask in faith, you will get it. So I prayed that Caleb wouldn't die- and that if he does, well then we'll just need to go together."

Sometimes I wish I could shield my children from worries that seem too big for their little hearts. Yet I know their hearts are growing in ways I can't fully comprehend. So when I'm feeling extra worried, I'm asking Heavenly Father -with lots of faith -to bless each of our hearts to have the capacity they need.

10 comments:

The Kings said...: Oh I know exactly how you feel April. Last week Jalen just started crying and said 'when do you think Noah will die Mum!?'. We often just push it to the back, but we can't help wondering, and the hardest thing to comprehend is how we will cope when it happens. I hope you are able to get some answers as to what is going on with Caleb at the moment. Thinking of you all. xxx; July 26, 2011 at 3:35 AM
The VW's said...: Praying for you, Caleb and your sweet boys! May you all be given peace, strength and grace today....and always! Big Hugs!!!; July 26, 2011 at 4:50 AM
The Marrott Family said...: Hope everything is alright. Thinking of you and your sweet little guys. You have an amazing, eternal family, April!; July 26, 2011 at 8:43 AM
Janene Baadsgaard said...: May God bless you with the peace that your fears are known and that God will never leave you alone to face them and feel His love.; July 26, 2011 at 9:01 AM
Becky said...: We need to talk...I'm sorry we haven't connected yet. I love you and your most amazing family! xoxo; July 26, 2011 at 10:54 AM
shirlgirl said...: My prayers are with all of you. Your Matthew is such a deep thinker. I am sorry for the loss of Lu Lu. To lose a pet you cared for every day and loved so much is so hard. I had to put my 18 year-old cat, Lily, down in May of 2010. It was such a traumatic experience, but she gave us so much joy and I didn't want her to suffer so let her go. I pray that Caleb will be doing better. I can't even imagine what you are going through but please know that I send you all my love and my prayers and keep you close to my heart. Caleb brings so much joy into all of our lives, and I love reading about him and your boys--I just love your family. Love to you, April. Give all the boys a hug and kiss from "Aunt" Shirley and let them know that I am thinking of them always.; July 27, 2011 at 5:16 AM
Emily said...: Oh April! This post made me so sad. I know summers are always super crazy but we need to make time to get together. I miss you and Caleb.; July 27, 2011 at 1:08 PM
arianne said...: Then that's what we'll pray for too. All my love.; July 29, 2011 at 12:38 AM
Jen said...: Thinking of your family today.

Prayers for many blessings and peace for you and your little ones!

Jen; July 29, 2011 at 10:19 AM
Alanna said...: I'm so sorry April for Lulu and for the hard things you and your little ones have to have creeping up in the backs of your minds. My hearts going out to you. We'll pray for Caleb and for you and for all of your family. Sure love you.; August 5, 2011 at 6:30 AM

Prayer for Caleb

(written by Caleb's Grandma in her weekly column -2008-)

In my family we have a secret code to communicate our love for each other when we are out in public. We wink. When one of us is about to perform or speak, we look for a family member’s face in the crowd. Then we wink at each other. Closing one eye and winking is our secret code for saying, “I love you. You can do it. You’re wonderful.”

About three years ago, my grandson Caleb was born into our family. He must have known before birth that he would never be able to speak to us because he was born with one eyelid permanently closed. So, he is always “winking” at us, always communicating, “I love you. You can do it. You’re wonderful.”

Caleb has one eye lid permanently closed because he is missing one of his eyes . . . and he is also missing his brain. All the doctors said he would die soon after birth. They were wrong. Caleb is three years old. He is a medical miracle. The doctors say he can’t see, hear, speak, think or move. Those who know and love Caleb understand he has his own unique way of experiencing the world and communicating his love to those around him.

After Caleb was born the hospice people told us to buy a burial plot and continually warned us of his imminent death. We soon learned you can not live well in a state of fear and sadness. We decided we could spend Caleb’s entire life anxious and scared he might die at any moment, or we could celebrate each day we were blessed to have him with us. In the beginning, my daughter April celebrated Caleb’s birthday every week instead of every year with balloons and cupcakes because we simply did not know how long we would have him with us. We stopped the cupcakes after we gained ten pounds, but the celebrating goes on.

We all prayed for a miracle when we first learned about Caleb’s condition. We got one. Caleb’s birth, life and mission have had a deep and lasting impact on our lives. His spirit, eternal identity and most of all the loving, individual relationship he has with each of us is truly a miracle. Because of Caleb we know that each of us has a divine purpose and that the physical body is a sacred gift we should never take for granted. We better understand the worth of a soul and the resiliency of the human spirit.

Caleb’s five year old brother Matthew said, “Grandma. The doctors said Caleb was going to die, but he didn’t. That’s the first miracle I ever saw!”

Sometimes Caleb’s baby brother Mitchell pulls out his feeding tube while they hold hands riding together in their double stroller. Sometimes the only intervention that can get Caleb’s heart rate up is when his older brothers Josh and Matty crawl in his crib, hug him and sing, “I am a Child of God.” ...If you have a moment please offer a prayer for the little boy who has never been able to utter a single word and yet has taught everyone who knows and loves him – all the secrets of a rich and meaningful life.