It was a beautiful morning to visit the cemetery. There were visors and flowers everywhere, yet memorial Day was unexpectedly hard for me. We left some flowers at Caleb's grave, and the boys let some balloons go with notes for Caleb tied to them. Usually our little traditions bring comfort to my heart, but that day I felt a bit self conscious doing the things we usually do in more private moments.
As a child, memorial for me was a day when we stopped at the cemetery to see our more distant relatives before we spent the day barbecuing and playing with cousins. As a young adult the day became more tender as I now had grandparents to visit and remember. Now, as a mother, memorial day is a day for me to visit my son.
As I walked through the cemetery my heart hurt as I walked by the grave of another child where the father was pulling the weeds and placing new flowers. My heart ached as I walked by rows and rows of flags and thought of mothers and fathers whose children went to war and never came home. I was so tender as I suddenly saw how many people were longing for someone.
I saw them because I was one.
Later that day we went to our family cabin. I watched my family barbecue and the cousins play while my heart was aching for Caleb to be there with us.
After lunch many of my family members decided to hike to the "big tree." I didn't want to go. They kept insisting that I had to go because I had never been there before not realizing that inside my heart was crying " I've never hiked to it before because I always stayed behind to hold Caleb. The fact that I can go is breaking my heart."
I did hike to the big tree.
It was a beautiful hike to a tree that is the oldest of it's kind this side of the Mississippi.
I was amazed by it's beauty and strength. As I rounded the bend a bit further up the trail, my breath was taken away by the beauty of the view.
Sometimes it's hard for me to leave the cabin and those places that are so tender to my heart
yet I know when I do I'll find strength and perspective as a larger view unfolds before me.
(Pictures taken by my sister Arianne)
6 comments:
I'd never really thought of it. Every time you do something as a family you couldn't before there's a hole in the experience. I'm sorry it's so hard. I wish I could help. I think grieving is not a public thing so I can see why the busy cemetery would feel a little uncomfortable. I love you Ape. I wish I had five minutes when someone wasn't screaming ... or barfing ... to really talk.
It seems like all the firsts are the most tender. I remember feeling comfort and heart ache as I walked by all the babies' headstones on the way to our baby. I realized that I wasn't the only Mom to loose a baby. It gave me strength to keep going because lots of mom's do it everyday.
Thank you so sharing such tender moments. They give me strength to endure.
Lots of love
Gayle
I agree that Memorial Day is a very tender time for many of us. I'm sorry it hurts so much. I'm glad you took that walk, though. Caleb would have wanted you to do that. Some of the pictures didn't appear on my computer for some reason--lots of lines. This has been happening lately on a few blogs and then some pictures are just fine. The one of all of you at the cemetery and the one with the flowers came out beautifully. I don't know what the other pictures were, so I cannot comment on them. Blessings and peace for all of you, sweet April.
This is a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing the inner most feelings. You really do exude strength beyond words.
Thanks for sharing this. I'm always grateful for your "realness". Sorry it was suh a tender day. Love you.
I'm so glad you went...those first few steps are always the hardest. But you are creating new memories for you and your children that amazingly will help you to heal. xo
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