Tender tonight

Tonight Matthew curled up on my lap and asked, "Mom, do you ever wish Caleb had a regular body?"  I answered, "Well, I think Caleb and his little body just go together- his body is a special part of his mission."  Matthew replied, "I know, but don't you ever wish he could be normal?"  I could see that he was tearing up and responded, "I bet you'd love to run around and play with Caleb like your other brothers."  "No, it's not really that."  Matthew explained.  

Then I knew.  

"Matthew," I said, "Do you want to know what hardest part about Caleb's special body is for me?  I worry that someday I'll have to say goodbye.  I worry he might die."  Matthew broke down.  "Me too."   He continued, "I just don't understand why Heavenly Father would give you some years of such great happiness, but then you might have even more years of sadness.... I just can't ever picture how it would be without Caleb...."  

We both cried.  I explained how thankful we are that we've had Caleb longer than any doctors ever thought.  We talked about how it is a miracle we've been granted the blessing to care for Caleb and feel his pure spirit every day.  We understand no matter what the future holds, our family can be together forever.  I am eternally thankful for that knowledge and testimony- 

but it's still hard.  
It's hard to have the quiet worry of goodbye in the corners of our hearts.  It's hard to know our time together on Earth might not be as long as we wish...

Matthew prays every night that Caleb will live a long time.  I do too.  That's what we plan for!  That's what we keep foremost in our minds.  But tonight I was reminded that my carefree little Matthew- quietly worries.  And my heart was a little broken.

Including Caleb

The other day, Mitchell was playing with his cousin Emma. I was tickled to find them in Caleb's room finding ways to play with him. It really touches my heart to see the ways they include him and shower him with loves!

Caleb and Tulips

You've likely heard the story "Welcome to Holland" written by a parent of a child with special needs.  In this story, the tulips always touch me because they remind me of Caleb.

Last year we moved into a new home.  The dirt surrounding our home was hard and packed, yet when fall arrived I couldn't wait to plant tulips.  I didn't know if they would grow, but the hope of the blooming tulips was enough to get me planting.

As the Spring season arrived, I saw my neighbors flower beds explode with colorful daffodils and tulips.  My flower beds were still bare. I thought maybe mine just wouldn't grow this year.  Maybe I planted them too deep.  Maybe our dirt was just too hard.  
But, as the weeks went on, I started seeing little mounds of dirt in my flower beds.  When I looked closer I could see tulip stems peeking back at me!  The tulips were slowly pushing back the hard earth and making a quiet appearance. They may have been planted too deep.  I know for certain  our soil wasn't ideal, but they grew!  They've grown a little slower than others in the neighborhood, but just this week they started blooming

just in time for a snow storm!

Every time I look at those little tulips, they touch my heart.

They had the courage to grow!

They keep blooming in spite rough weather.

They brighten the world

And they point to heaven.

Just like my little Caleb.

Easter Sunday

HAPPY EASTER

To my little boy who shines with all that Easter represents.

To Know

Lately Mitchell has been worried about strangers.  We talk about it a lot when I'm tucking him in at night.  He asks me things like, 

"How will I know if a person is a stranger?"

"How will I know if strangers are good guys or bad guys? 

"Should I just ask people if they are good strangers or bad strangers?" 

"If someone says they are a bad stranger, should I just spit on them?"  

To simplify life for Mitchell I usually tell him, "If you ever wonder if someone is a good stranger or a bad stranger come and check with me and I'll always help you to know."  

The other night he asked me, "What if Jesus comes and I don't know if he's a stranger or not- what if I don't know he's Jesus?"  I answered the way I always do.... "You can come to me and I'll help you to know."

That simple answer has brought Mitchell a lot of peace.   It has also made me ask "Am I teaching my children in a way that they will recognize the Savior?  Is my example helping them to know Him?"  

I want to live up to the confidence Mitchell has- that he can always come to me and I'll help him to know. 

To my boys:

I want you to know that we have an older brother, Jesus Christ.

I know He lived on the earth.

I know miracles happen through him.

I know He heals

I know He hears our prayers

I know He understands our hearts

I know He had a personal moment for each of us in the garden.

I know he felt the weight of our sins, sorrows, worries and heart ache.

I know He did it willingly with a heart full of love.

I know He suffered and died at the hands of those who hated him.

I know He forgave them.

I know He is risen.  

I know He conquered death.

I know we will never have to say good bye forever.

I know through Him, we can be a forever family.

I know He is anxious to help us repent and be better

I know He is always near.

I know He loves us perfectly. 

I know He wants us to follow him.

I know He will keep loving us even when we make mistakes.

I know He will pick us up when we feel broken.

I know He will bring us peace when we feel worried.

I know He is proud of you.

I know He loves you more than even I can understand...

and that's a lot.

I want you to know I am eternally thankful for Him, and I will strive each day to help you know who He is. 

Happy Easter!

Love, Mom

Great Grandmother

Dear great Grandmother

You are great indeed!

Thank you for the snuggles

Love,

Caleb

 I love you!

JOY in my body

One of our our greatest desires for Caleb is for him to feel JOY in his body.  It touches my heart to see the way he responds to those who help him use the sweet little body he has been blessed with.  We currently have a vision therapist who comes to our home once a week, and we have a physical therapist and Occupational therapist who come once a month.  They are a special part of our family and we are so thankful to them for taking time to care for Caleb. It touches my heart to see Caleb respond so sweetly to those who help him use his little body and help him to feel JOY in it!

(Caleb's Occupational Therapist)

 It feels so good to Caleb to have someone help him wiggle his body,

 Stretch his muscles

 and bounce up and down.

It makes him smile every single time!

A Treasure From the Park

These cheeks

These cheeks are delicious. And believe me, I feast on them every day!

smooch!

Knowing

One of the things I love most about Caleb is the little glimpses he gives me that he knows. He knows I'm his mama.  I know because his heart, (and sometimes his little face) tell me so.

Crafty wink

I made these "WINK" letters  for Caleb's birthday and finally hung them up above his bed.

Sleep well little one!

His Sacred Name - An Easter Declaration

Mothers

If you have a mom, there is nowhere you are likely to go where a prayer has not already been.  ~Robert Brault

A Mother's love is instinctual, unconditional, and forever.

Unknown

"Making the decision to have a child-it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."
--Elizabeth Stone

“My mom is a never ending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune."
~Graycie Harmon

Matthew Time

Untouched

I feel like the luckiest mama in the world

to have a little boy who is so untouched by it.

It is truly a blessing to care for someone so pure.

I love you, my Caleb.

Lucky Day!

Happy St. Patrick's Day! 

Caleb listened to some Enya this morning to celebrate!

Tooth Fairy Surprises

The tooth fairy left Caleb a bright slinky to use for vision time and an Easter Egg tree!

Tooth Fairy

Caleb lost his first tooth today!  Oh I am just GIDDY!  Every time I see that little hole in his teeth I can't help but GIGGLE!  Who would have thought my little boy, who was given so little hope, would be visited by the tooth fairy? 

I am filled to the brim with GLEE!!

Visual Clutter

One of my favorite sensory tools for Caleb is the invisiboard. The website states:  Block out distractions for students with Cortical Visual Impairment.  This 48 by 30 inch, tri-fold board eliminates visual clutter with a solid white, slick material on one side and a solid black, Velcro compatible material on the other.

I love using this board with Caleb.  I can surround him with a black background and give his eye the opportunity to focus on one thing.  Right now we are focusing on items that are mostly yellow or reflective.  

Just like the invisiboard helps me to reduce visual clutter for Caleb... Caleb reduces worldly clutter for me.  He teaches me to be more reflective.  He teaches me to focus on what matters most.  

Thank you Caleb, for teaching me to truly see.

You can find more information about the invisiboard here and here
For some more great sensory ideas, visit Heidi's adaptations blog 

My BYU boy

Psst... Did you hear BYU basketball is ranked #3... and they are well on their way to a possible #1 seed in the tournament?

My BYU boy isn't a bit surprised! 

Caleb is still trying to feel better, but we couldn't resist a quick walk on a sunny day!

 

Time with cousins is time well spent!

Caleb's head fits into Dallan's hats perfectly.

That's what happens when your head is full of heavenly thoughts!

Go Cougars, and Go Caleb.  

You're always #1 to me!

Rah Rah Rah!