Tonight Matthew curled up on my lap and asked, "Mom, do you ever wish Caleb had a regular body?" I answered, "Well, I think Caleb and his little body just go together- his body is a special part of his mission." Matthew replied, "I know, but don't you ever wish he could be normal?" I could see that he was tearing up and responded, "I bet you'd love to run around and play with Caleb like your other brothers." "No, it's not really that." Matthew explained.
Then I knew.
"Matthew," I said, "Do you want to know what hardest part about Caleb's special body is for me? I worry that someday I'll have to say goodbye. I worry he might die." Matthew broke down. "Me too." He continued, "I just don't understand why Heavenly Father would give you some years of such great happiness, but then you might have even more years of sadness.... I just can't ever picture how it would be without Caleb...."
We both cried. I explained how thankful we are that we've had Caleb longer than any doctors ever thought. We talked about how it is a miracle we've been granted the blessing to care for Caleb and feel his pure spirit every day. We understand no matter what the future holds, our family can be together forever. I am eternally thankful for that knowledge and testimony-
but it's still hard.
It's hard to have the quiet worry of goodbye in the corners of our hearts. It's hard to know our time together on Earth might not be as long as we wish...
It's hard to have the quiet worry of goodbye in the corners of our hearts. It's hard to know our time together on Earth might not be as long as we wish...
Matthew prays every night that Caleb will live a long time. I do too. That's what we plan for! That's what we keep foremost in our minds. But tonight I was reminded that my carefree little Matthew- quietly worries. And my heart was a little broken.
17 comments:
Oh April... this post made me cry. You are such an amazing mom to each of your amazing sons. I can't imagine the constant worry and tinge of sadness you all must feel. But I believe that Caleb and his mission will live on forever in the hearts of all who know him. He teaches wo many special lessons and one is the vivid reality of eternal families. What q precious gift he is. I pray you and your family find comfort tonight and know my love is with you!
now I'm in tears :( Although we are so grateful for each and every day, there is always that wonder about how many more days we will have, and how we will cope without them.
Lots of hugs for you. Wish I was closer so I could give you one for real xxx
I can't imagine the weight on your hearts. You and your family are such great examples and what great boys you have. I can just feel the strength of the spirit in your home, even though I haven't actually visited. Thank you for touching my heart this morning.
Oh my precious April. You have put words to what every person who knows and loves Caleb feels.
Sometimes it does hurt - my prayers will be with your sweet family today, especially Matthew.
It is so hard to know what to say but I have to comment... Those are the kinds of feelings that are so real and tender and precious and difficult... I am so glad to have a glimpse of it. It brings heaven nearer and, of course, ters to my eyes.
My husband and I occasionally talk about whether we would change our son's body if we could. My husband says absolutely not. I've always said that I wouldn't change it for my sake, but I might for his sake. Recently eve that has come into question as I realize that his amazing character and sweetness is partly because of his empathy with others and what he has suffered through. I guess we just can't say that we would change the beautiful plan of Heavenly Father at all... I know you understand!
I guess I don't have anything profound to say except that I recognize the conversation and it goes straight to my heart.
Love,
Christy W
April this brings tears, you are such an amazing mom to Caleb and his brothers. That fear of loss is something I always have. I thank God for each and every day. Hugs and love
This brought tears to my eyes as well. I love reading about your sweet family and receive strength from your posts, even though I've never met you. I'm drawn to your precious Caleb. I hope you will feel peace and comfort from the One who has given you this precious gift. You are amazing!
This brought tears to my eyes too! Thinking of your sweet Matthew, and you too! Hugs!!!
It is hard. The worry was the worst. The anticipatory grieving. I feel for you and your little ones. I hope you can all have comfort and know that as difficult as the thought is, a very special comfort comes when you know your little one has completed their mission.
April, this post made me cry also! I can also understand the worry. Caleb is such a special spirit and has had a profound effect on Caitlin. She looks at your blog with me often and always points to Calebs picture and says his name. What a sweet moment for you to experience with Matthew. Love from one special family to another <3
I so truly believe that our special ones were given extra awesome siblings! What a sweet brother Caleb has! And mama, too!!!!!!!
Love, Bree
Dearest April--I read this post on your Mom's blog before I came onto yours and posted my comment. Needless to say, I was in tears. You are such an amazing Mom, and your boys are awesome. They show such love to their sweet brother-holding his hand, napping with him, just being with him. He is such an integral part of their lives as he is of yours and Dallan's. Every day we have is a gift. Caleb has touched so many lives, as did Ben--sweet spirits. Your answer for Matthew was heartwarming, and I am sure your heart just aches for him as well. Sending you hugs and a kiss for each of your boys.
Thinking of you and your family tonight and sending up prayers for comfort.
I love and admire your family so much friend. You've done such a wonderful job of encouraging a beautiful relationship between your boys.
The thing that keeps me carrying on amidst the fear of loss is the sure knowledge that-somehow-all will be compensated for because of the Savior. Our children will get to know their brothers in healthy, whole bodies.
Even still, it is HARD... I understand your pain intimately. My heart aches for you and Matthew. xoxo
Aww, Matthew is so blessed to be able to express his fears with his Mom. I started to tear up because I've had these conversations with big sister. It's hard, but so wonderful that our children can express their feelings with us when they feel ready to.
I wish that you wouldn't ever have to go through the loss of a child/sibling. It's hard, but part of the privilege of taking care of such amazing children. I would do it all over again...and again and again and again. I'm grateful you appreciate every.single.minute with your precious child and the rest of your children. I love you!
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