San Diego Zoo

My husband works for BYU athletics and this year we were blessed with the opportunity to go to Poinsettia bowl to watch the football team play San Diego State. 

This trip was a tender mercy from heaven...my heart was so tender during our first holiday season without Caleb.  We drove out of the snow into the sunshine and brought sweet Caleb with us.  It was such a blessing to create sunny and happy memories together during a tender time. 

We watched the game on a Thursday night, then spent Friday at the San Diego Zoo and Old Town.  

The Little Prince

For Christmas we received an unexpected surprise in the mail! You may remember Joy's family who sent us a wink for her birthday.  They surprised us with a Christmas package in the mail with cards and letter so sweetly written and a copy of The Little Prince.  In the front cover of the book they shared their favorite part...

"People have stars, but they aren't the same. For travelers, the stars are guides. For other people, they're nothing but tiny lights. And for still others, for scholars, they're problems. For my businessman, they were gold. But all those stars are silent stars. You, though, you'll have stars like nobody else."

"What do you mean?"

"When you look up at the sky at night, since I'll be living on one of them, since I'll be laughing on one of them, for you, it'll be as if all the stars are laughing. You'll have stars that can laugh!"

And he laughed again.

"And when you're consoled (everyone is eventually consoled), you'll be glad you've known me. You'll always be my friend. You'll feel like laughing with me. And you'll open your windows sometimes just for the fun of it... And your friends will be amazed to see you laughing while you're looking up at the sky. Then you'll tell them, 'Yes, it's the stars. They always make me laugh!" 

Joy's mom finished her note by writing ...  "the kids wanted to remind you all that in addition to laughing- the stars love to WINK!"

Thank you for sending us Christmas magic in the mail.   We were so touched!  

Merry Christmas!

Because He lives...

Almost every year since Caleb was born he has been the angel in our Christmas Eve nativity.  The angel wings perfectly suited our precious boy.

 One year when it was time for the angel to appear, Dallan lifted Caleb high above his head and said, "fear not, for I bring you tidings of great joy..." We all stopped.  We were taken back after hearing Dallan's voice speak for Caleb with such heavenly power.  Perhaps we had a glimpse of Caleb's voice that day.  

I knew this Christmas season would be tender, but I still wasn't prepared.  It has been a sweet and a wonderful season, yet my heart has ached more deeply that I could have imagined.  

I miss him.

On a day I was especially tender our dear friend sent us the lyrics we asked him to sing at Caleb's funeral:

A long time ago in a beautiful place,

Children were gathered ’round Jesus.

He blessed and taught as they felt of His love.

Each saw the tears on His face.

The love that He felt for His little ones

I know He feels for me.

I did not touch Him or sit on His knee,

Yet, Jesus is real to me.

I know He lives!

I will follow faithfully.

My heart I give to Him.

I know that my Savior loves me.

Now I am here in a beautiful place,

Learning the teachings of Jesus.

Parents and teachers will help guide the way,

Lighting my path ev’ry day.

Wrapped in the arms of my Savior’s love,

I feel His gentle touch.

Living each day, I will follow His way,

Home to my Father above.

 

I know He lives!

I will follow faithfully.

My heart I give to Him.

I know that my Savior loves me.

  

Because He lives, I know Caleb lives- as we all shall.   

My heart I give to Him this season and always.

“I declare my personal witness that death has been conquered, victory over the tomb has been won. May the words made sacred by Him who fulfilled them become actual knowledge to all. Remember them. Cherish them. Honor them. He is risen.

(President Thomas S. Monson) 

A Super Hero Miracle

My little Mitchell loves super heroes and recently had a super hero birthday.  

The other day I walked into Mitchell's room and found him on his knees.  He looked at me with wonder in his eyes and quietly said "I just had a miracle." He explained he couldn't find one of his super heroes and so he prayed that Heavenly Father would help him find it.  When he opened his eyes he immediately found it.  I walked in just as he realized his prayer had been answered.  

Seeing Mitchell pray was especially touching to me because Mitchell recently asked me "Why do Heavenly Father and Jesus choose families to do mean things to?" When I asked him what he meant he said "Why did Heavenly Father choose to have Caleb die?  If he loves us, then why would he want to make us sad?" I explained that Heavenly Father doesn't necessarily make sad things happen, but He promises to always be there to help us, comfort us, and give us strength when they do.  Mitchell believes in miracles. He knows Heavenly Father can do anything, so it's been hard for him to understand why sometimes God allows sad things to happen.  He said, "Sometimes I don't feel like praying because I don't feel very happy with Him."   

Mitchell's little heart has had to deal with great big feelings this year... He's really been missing Caleb.  I'm so thankful for those moments when Heavenly Father shows Mitchell that He knows him and that He will always be there to help him... even when he needs help finding a super hero.

A little bit of Christmas

A WINK Tree!

Several weeks ago I received an e mail from a sweet friend I knew from a singles ward.  In it she wrote: (shared with permission)

"...I read the story about your son Caleb in one of your mom's books and then read more about him on your blogs. Thank you for sharing his story. Reading about Caleb and your family has been inspiring to me. I love the message of sharing love with a "Wink". I live in Delta now and each year our community has a Christmas Tree Festival where people in the community decorate Christmas trees and then donate them to the festival. The trees are auctioned to businesses or community members and all of the proceeds go to Sub for Santa and the Food Bank. I am in the young women's presidency in my ward and this year the young women and young men in our ward will be joining with people in our community who have special needs to decorate a tree for the festival. We were hoping to share Caleb's story with our Young Men and Young Women and then have the theme of our Christmas tree be "Wink"...We would like to encourage our youth to share love this holiday with a "Wink" in honor of Caleb..."

We were so humbled that they thought of our family and sweet Caleb...  

Thank you to our sweet friends in Delta!   Seeing pictures of the Wink tree delighted our hearts during a tender holiday season for us.  We are so touched and are truly thankful!

May you always know of our love and gratitude for each one of you.  

Sending all our love and a wink from heaven! 

Christmas for Caleb

For our first Family Home Evening of the Christmas season we talked about what we should give Caleb for Christmas this year. We discussed what Caleb would want most and decided he would want us to be kind ("wink") and make good choices.   We also talked about how one act of kindness can have a snow ball effect.  So I made a jar that the boys could put a little snow ball in every time they made kind choice or went the extra mile to make a good choice.  We're hoping to have it full by Christmas Eve so we can put it by Caleb's stocking.... "wink!" 

   

I hope that our jar will help us feel close to heaven during this tender Christmas season.  

We love you sweet Caleb!

Matthew's birthday

Dear Matthew,

I know it's your birthday and I want you to know I am with you to celebrate today!  I hope you know how much I love you and how thankful I am that you are my brother.  I loved it when you would wrap my arms around you so we could hug each other. Today I am wrapping my arms around you without any help at all.  I hope you can feel my love soaking right into your heart.    I know you miss me, but I promise I will always be there for you even though you can't see me. You can talk to me with your heart and I will still melt your worries away.  

I love you forever, Matthew.

Love

Caleb

You can read a tender story my mom wrote for Matthew's birthday here. 

Hand Me Downs

After Caleb died I kept the last outfit he wore laying on his bed for months so I could smell it every morning and remember his sweet baby lotion scent.  When it lost it's Caleb smell, I tucked that outfit into a treasure box but couldn't bring myself to go through the rest of his clothing.  Every time I opened those dresser drawers I couldn't breathe.

I've thought about boxing up his outfits and saving them forever.  I've thought about cutting them up and making them into a quilt.  But nothing has felt quite right so I have just left them tucked in his dresser.

The other day, 8 months after Caleb passed away, I opened those drawers.  I removed a few of his shirts and held them against my chest and cried.  As I went to return them back to their place, I realized Caleb's clothes were now Mitchell's size.  I called Mitchell and asked if he would like to try them on.  He was over joyed!  They fit him perfectly and helped him to feel close to Caleb.

  Seeing Caleb's clothes on Mitchell felt just right.  All of my boys pass their clothes on to one another, and seeing Caleb have one more chance to give his hand me downs to Mitchell melted my heart.  
As I watched Mitchell try on outfit after outfit...

I could breathe.  

Wink!

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween 

From my favorite Super Hero!

I'll miss dressing you up today Captain Caleb.

I'm sure you are busy being Heaven's Hero!

xoxo

A Wink of Autumn

 “Autumn carries more gold in its pocket than all the other seasons.”

Dear Caleb, 

 I can only imagine the golden splendor of Fall where you are!

You are tucked in our hearts on these magical Autumn days.

I love you my sunshine boy.

Love

us

A "Joy"ful WInk

This past week sweet Joy would have been 7 years old.  We haven't met her family personally but our hearts are knit together in sweet and tender ways.  Joy's family decided to share 7 smiles for her birthday, and one of the smiles they shared was for us!  On their blog they wrote: 
We ended our adventure by going to Joy’s grave.  The cemetery, to us, is a lovely, wonderful, beautiful, happy place.  While we were there, we shared our last smile of the day–actually, it was a wink.  Although we don’t know them personally, we have been deeply touched by the story of Caleb and his family and we thought it would be fun to give a wink from the Tetons, but the kids wanted Joy to be able to join in, too–so we did it from her marker.  I know she joined in…
Thank you for sending us a wink on Joy's special day!  We were touched more than words can say- we love you.
You can read more about Joy's 7 smiles and her amazing family here!

Come Listen to a Prophet's Voice

Every six months we have the opportunity to listen to our living prophet, apostles and other church leaders during our General Conference.  During each conference my heart is touched, my testimony is strengthened, and my prayers are answered.  Even if you are not a member of my faith, I invite you to listen.  I promise you will be lifted, your prayers will be answered, and you will feel the love of our Heavenly Father.  Our last general conference took place just 2 months after Caleb passed away.  The quotes below really touched my tender heart:

(Ronald A Rasband)

“For reasons usually unknown, some people are born with physical limitations. Specific parts of the body may be abnormal. Regulatory systems may be out of balance. And all of our bodies are subject to disease and death. Nevertheless, the gift of a physical body is priceless. …

“A perfect body is not required to achieve a divine destiny. In fact, some of the sweetest spirits are housed in frail frames. …

“Eventually the time will come when each ‘spirit and … body shall be reunited again in … perfect form; both limb and joint shall be restored to its proper frame’ (Alma 11:43). Then, thanks to the Atonement of Jesus Christ, we can become perfected in Him.”¹

To all of you who have challenges, concerns, disappointments, or heartaches with a dear one, know this: with infinite love and everlasting compassion, God our Heavenly Father loves your afflicted one, and He loves you!... You can read the entire talk here.

(Richard G Scott )

Relationships can be strengthened through the veil with people we know and love. That is done by our determined effort to continually do what is right. We can strengthen our relationship with the departed individual we love by recognizing that the separation is temporary and that covenants made in the temple are eternal. When consistently obeyed, such covenants assure the eternal realization of the promises inherent in them...You can read the entire talk here.

You can watch or listen to General Conference live here, or you can read the transcripts within a few days.  Happy listening!

The Empty Bed

The weeks following Caleb's funeral we donated most of his medical equipment and supplies. It was a sweet opportunity to meet wonderful families and to share our love in small and tender ways. At that time there were a few things I wasn't ready to share yet... Caleb's bed and his wheel chair. 

We kept Caleb in a crib for as long as we could but as he grew we could see he really needed something more. He needed a bed that could help with positioning, yet hospital beds were so expensive. We were blessed with a wonderful doctor who pleaded our case, and we ended up getting the perfect bed covered by our insurance! I knew in my heart that Caleb's bed was a direct blessing from a loving Heavenly Father.

Caleb's bed blessed our lives in so many ways. We were able to keep him much more comfortable. We could elevate his upper body to help his little lungs and his tummy during his night time feedings. Caleb's brother's spent hours in bed cuddling and talking to him. Every day Matthew crawled into bed with him to get his "morning snuggle."

After Caleb died I often found Mitchell quietly sitting in Caleb's bed hugging his stuffed animals.  I would find Josh in Caleb's room when he needed some quiet time.  Every morning I would walk into Caleb's room and lay my head in his bed to tell him good morning and that I love him. For months I could still see the print of his head in his blanket.  Matthew, however, couldn't even go into Caleb's room; it broke his heart to see that empty bed.

Several weeks ago my dear friend Emily called to see if we had decided what to do with Caleb's bed. Her son is one of Caleb's best buddies, and he has a very similar condition and prognosis. Hunter had been struggling and needed something to help him be more comfortable. She asked if we would be willing to sell Caleb's bed to them. My heart and eyes were over flowing as I explained we wouldn't sell it but would be honored to give it to them.   We knew Heavenly Father provided a way for us to have it when we needed it most, and it would be an privilege to be able to do the same for someone else- especially someone we love so much!

It was tender for me to think of Caleb's room with out his bed in it. I knew it wouldn't be the same, and I worried how my boys would respond.  I gathered them in my room and asked them who they thought Caleb's best friends were. They immediately thought of Hunter. I asked them, "What if Caleb was standing here with us and we told him that Hunter needed his bed so he could be more comfortable?" They said, "Caleb would want him to have it!"  I then explained that Emily called to see if they could buy Caleb's bed and Matthew responded, "But we wouldn't sell it to them would we? We should give it to them!" The other boys excitedly agreed. I cried as I saw them reach their own conclusion-responding just the way Caleb would have wanted them to. What wonderful brothers they continue to be for him.

When Hunter's Dad came to pick up the bed we were touched to see  they brought Hunter's bed to put in it's place so his room wouldn't be so empty.  I  was moved as I watched Matthew help take it apart and load it up.  And my heart broke when Mitchell fell into my lap and cried when they left.  
Letting go of things that hold countless memories is hard.  Yet seeing sweet Hunter in Caleb's bed was healing.  It wasn't meant to be empty.  

For the first time Matthew has been spending time in Caleb's room, and he has spent several nights sleeping in the bed Hunter gave us.  Mitchell still cries sometimes when he walks into Caleb's room, but tonight he and Josh are tucked in Hunter's bed with tender memories of their brother and sweet dreams of Hunter.  My heart is full as I think of both beds being filled with the little boys who needed them most.  

(Sweet Dreams Hunter)

Winking Play Dough

The other day Mitchell called me into the kitchen where he was playing with play dough. 

 Look Mom, It's Caleb!

It touches my heart to see the sweet ways my boys remember their brother.