Caleb's Funeral

There were angels taking pictures at Caleb's funeral. These photos were taken by a friend of my sister in law who doesn't even know me well but was willing to take pictures of our tender day. She is an angel indeed. 

My sweet Sister Arianne also took pictures.  I'll share some of them once I've had a chance to go through them all.

I am so thankful for angels who were willing to capture our most tender moments as a family.

Thank you with all of my heart.

Lucky in Love

Happy St. Patrick's day Caleb!

We truly are lucky in love...

One Month: Wink Day

The first time we went back to Caleb's grave, it was just Dallan and me.  A sweet friend gave us a temporary marker so we went to put it on Caleb's special place.  We spent some quiet and tender moments together missing our precious son. 

  We have visited Caleb's grave several times as a family, but plan to make it a special tradition on the 10th of every month.

This weekend, marked our first month without Caleb. 

One month... it seems like an eternity, yet it seems like just yesterday we said goodbye.   

We're calling the 10th of every month our wink day.  We brought balloons to tie on Caleb's marker, and we also brought balloons we could let go.

I also bought each of us a special wink journal. In them we each wrote something special we will do to share a wink this month. 

After the boys wrote in their journals, they were able to let their balloons go.

It helped us all feel closer to heaven to watch the balloons soar into the sunshine.

Matthew has been missing Caleb terribly.  This weekend was the first time he was even able to bring himself to go into Caleb's room.  On wink day he brought a special note he wrote for Caleb to attach to his balloon.

It took a couple of balloons to hold it up, but he was so excited to send it off.

His smile soothed the ache I had in my heart that day.

When Dallan's Dad dedicated Caleb's grave, he promised it would be a place of peace.  I am so thankful to have a beautiful place where we can have special time together as a family. 

I know wink day will become one our favorite family traditions.  I know our journals will become personal treasures as month after month we carefully consider ways we can continue to share a little "wink."

Oh how we miss you Caleb.  One month is such a long time...

Our Last Day (part 3 of 3)

Our record of sweet Caleb's last 24 hours

(February 10, 2012  3:00 PM -9:30 PM )

Caleb's blood pressure remained  dangerously low, and he wasn't saturating oxygen well.   We were so tender.

We knew.

I turned to the doctor and told her we just wanted to hold him.  We asked if the nurses could move us to a more private room so that our little family could gather and say good bye.  We moved into a new room at around 3:00 PM.  I pulled Caleb's favorite lotion out of my over night bag, and Dallan and I filled our hands.  We gently rubbed sweet smelling lotion all over Caleb's little body just like I did every morning.  I rubbed his favorite fruity chapstick on his lips and kissed them over and over. 

Then I asked the nurses if they could hold up all of his wires and cords.  Dallan picked Caleb up while I slid underneath him so I could hold him on my lap.  I wrapped my arms around his body and closed my eyes.  My heart was filled with his spirit.  In the midst of my heart break, Caleb comforted me.  He filled my heart with courage.  He gave me peace.  We shared our hearts with one another they way we did every day when I held him on my lap. 

We didn't need words. 

We never did.  

Dallan and I shared a quiet and sacred hour with him.  We knew he was fading quickly.  My parents and our little boys arrived at around 4:30.  Our boys were heart broken as they hugged him, bathed his cheeks with their tears and said good bye.  Matthew begged "please don't leave me Caleb, you're my best friend..."   Each of my boys were blessed with the opportunity to hug him and tell him how much they loved him.   Dallan and my dad gave Caleb a tender blessing, then my dad took our boys into another room. 

The nurses then helped Dallan and I move to a couch.  Caleb was carefully laid in my arms and Dallan gently held his legs and feet.  Caleb melted into my arms and our hearts melted with him.  We covered him with our tears and held him close.  We whispered how dearly he was loved and how proud we were of him.  We held him for about 20 minutes as we quietly watched his blood pressure and oxygen levels fall.  I whispered "Caleb, I love you... It is such a privilege to be your mother."  We watched Caleb take two sweet breaths then pause.  Then he took two more little breaths and sweetly passed from my arms to God's.  My heart broke, and Caleb's spirit filled it.  His spirit was so close.  We knew we were in the presence of greatness. 

My dad brought my boys back into the room, and Mitchells' first words were, "Oh... now we have a Celestial Kingdom brother..."  It was more tender than words can express to watch my boys hold Caleb.  They kissed his face and held his hands. They wrapped their arms around him and never wanted to let go.   Matthew pleaded, "Please stay close to me Caleb, please stay close..."  My other family members who were there also had the opportunity to hold Caleb and say good bye.  There was an overwhelming feeling of love... heaven was so close.        

Now I lay me down to sleep arrived to take our last pictures together, then everyone left except for Dallan and me.  I wrapped Caleb in my arms and held him for almost two and a half more hours.  That time was precious for us.  We knew Caleb was there.   His little body continued to radiate with light and love.  We knew we were encircled by heavenly hosts, and we could feel Caleb wrapping his arms around us. 

My hardest moment was laying him down.  I couldn't do it.  It was breaking my heart.  Then Dallan gently reminded me we had three little boys who needed their parents to tuck them in on their hardest day.  Knowing our little boys needed us gave us the courage to lay Caleb's precious body down and say good bye.     

As we walked down the hallway and out the doors of Primary Children's hospital, our minds were flooded with memories of the first time we walked down that corridor.  We had our tiny Caleb in his car seat and were surrounded with equipment to take home with us.  We were so worried about how we would ever be able to keep him alive.  And now  as we walked through those revolving doors for the last time, we wondered how our lives would ever go on without him.

As we drove home we were quiet. Our world had stopped.  Our hearts ached, our tears flowed.  When we arrived at our home, we said good bye to my parents who had been caring for our boys then prepared everyone for bed.  Matthew was sobbing in his room and said, "I can't do this...Dad, can you give me a blessing?"  Dallan proceded to give each of the boys a blessing of comfort and peace. 

This was our hardest day, yet we know the Lord was with us.

We know  Caleb wanted his last weeks to be home with us, and that is why it wasn't evident that he needed the hospital until the last moment.

We know Caleb was willing to endure a hard day in the hospital so we could have the peaceful reassurance that doctors had done everything medically possible to help him.

We know how deeply Caleb loves us and know he stayed with us as long as he possibly could.

We know Caleb wanted to say good bye to each one of us personally.

We know Caleb wanted his brothers to be there before he returned to Heavenly Father.

We know when Heavenly Father asks something extra tender of us,  He blesses us with extra tender Mercies.

We know that He knows best how to comfort us, because He too lost a Son.
We know that Caleb is a noble soul, and he will continue to be with us.

We know we are a forever family.

 Caleb's story never really was about what we did for Caleb... It is about what Caleb did, and continues to do for each of us.  

We are forever changed...and forever thankful.

Our last day: Part 2 of 3

Our record of  sweet Caleb's last 24 hours.

February 10, 2012  (7:30 AM-3:00PM)

 We arrived at Primary Children's hospital at around 7:40 AM and were able to see Caleb at 8:00 when the Pediatric intensive care unit opened for parents.  When we entered, Caleb was covered in a sterile cloth while doctors were working on getting a central and arterial line placed.  Because his room was so small, Dallan and I had to sit in the hallway for about a half hour while they placed his lines.  I sat in a chair, watched his monitors and sobbed.  Caleb's oxygen level was around 80 even though he was still being fully ventilated with 100 % oxygen.  I have never seen Caleb saturate oxygen that poorly for so many hours. 

 The attending physician who was just ending his shift came over to visit with us.  He explained they were seeing some really aggressive respiratory infections in their patients, and we needed to know this illness could take his life.   We were heartbroken, yet wanted to be optimistic.  We had been told time after time that Caleb may not be able to recover from illnesses, but he always did.   We pleaded with Heavenly Father to help us.

  After several hours of not ventilating well, the respiratory therapist began to prepare an Oscillator.  As the new attending doctor was deciding whether or not to hook him up, Caleb's Oxygen level rose into the 90's.   We all breathed a sigh of relief.  It looked like Caleb might finally be responding to treatment.  His cheeks turned pink, and for the first time in almost 12 hours I felt like I could breathe.  The medical staff began to clear out of his room, and the nurse worked on getting Caleb situated for the day.  As she prepared to put a catheter in, I explained  it could be challenging to get it in, so she let me hop up on the bed and get it in for him. It felt so good to finally help rather than be a bystander. 

Caleb continued to stay in the 90's so at noon Dallan and I ran down to the cafeteria to get lunch and update our family.  I remember telling my mom that Caleb still wasn't as stable as we hoped, but he looked like he was responding to treatment.  When we returned to Caleb's room, he still looked sweet and pink, and his oxygen levels remained in the 90's.  We sat by his side, held his hands, kissed his cheeks and hoped for the best.        

At about 1:00 PM Caleb's blood pressure suddenly started to spiral.  The attending doctor raced into the room, called a code and immediately began chest compressions.  Caleb's room filled with doctors and staff while Dallan and I stood by in agony as we watched them try to save our little boy.  I have never felt so broken, so afraid or so helpless.  After about 4 minutes Caleb's blood pressure went back up, and he seemed to somewhat stabalize.  At his point the doctor was feeling very nervous.  She stayed in the room  and asked us what our wishes were.  She wanted to know what we wanted to happen if Caleb continued to spiral.  

I can't count the number of times I have had this conversation with doctors. I always entered the hospital with a hopeful heart and the desire to be a good missionary companion for Caleb.  I always tried to help those who cared for Caleb feel his spirit and feel closer to heaven.  My response to our wishes for Caleb was always that he was  "full code" and that I trusted Caleb and Heavenly Father would help us know if it should be otherwise.  Over the years I have prayed and prayed that Heavenly Father would put my heart in the place if it was time to say good bye.  I knew I would never be able to prepare my heart.  I couldn't bear it. So I trusted Heavenly Father would help me if I ever found myself in that moment.    

This time when the doctor asked me that question,  I didn't know what to say. I have never seen Caleb so sick. He has never needed chest compressions before. His oxygen levels had dropped back into the 80's, and his cheeks weren't pink any more. His sweet little body was puffy with fluids and paralized with medication. He hadn't opened his eyes since the previous afternoon. I was so unsettled and unsure. I pleaded for Heavenly Father's help.  Then 20 minutes after Caleb's first set of chest compressions, his blood pressure started to spiral again. The doctor prepared to begin compressions, but Caleb's blood pressure came back up on it's own.

For the next hour Dallan and I agonized about what we should do.  We wanted Caleb to have every opportunity to improve. We didn't want to give up, yet we had never seen him require such aggresive life saving measures before. Then Caleb's blood pressure spiraled again.   His room filled, a code was called and chest compressions began again. My heart completely broke. I couldn't breathe.  I knew his body wasn't responding.   As Caleb's blood pressure stabalized, I turned to the social worker and said, "We need to call our kids."  I called my parents to see if they could bring our boys to the hospital because things weren't looking good.

 I went to Caleb's bed side and hugged him. I rubbed my face in his hair and cried on his cheeks. I held his little hand in mine, and told him how dear he was to me. Then my sweet little boy, who had been paralized by medication for hours, opened his little eye and looked into my heart. And then suddenly, my heart was in that place.  I cried as I whispered how precious he was to me.  I told him how proud I was of him and how much I loved being his mother. I told him that if his little body was too tired, it was okay.  Then my precious boy, who was never able to purposfully grasp anything with his hands, squeezed my hand twice.

Dallan was standing on his other side and was also holding his hand. As Dallan shared some quiet moments with him, Caleb also squeezed his hand several times. Our sweet son found a personal moment to tell us individually that he loved us and that it was time to say good bye.

Our last day: Part 1 of 3

Our record of sweet Caleb's last 24 hours.

(February 9, 2012 6:00 PM -February 10, 2012 7:00 AM)

I haven't known how I would ever be able to write about our hardest days.  However, I know it is important for me and our little family to have record of what happened.  Because there are so many details I don't want to forget and so many tender mercies  intertwined in our most tender hours, I need to record this chapter of Caleb's story.  Though the details are hard, is my prayer that as you read about Caleb's last hours your heart will be touched by his love and light.  I hope you will feel the Lord's embrace as we have.  I hope that you will feel of our love, the Lord's love and Caleb's love.

Caleb hadn't really been feeling well since December.  He battled one virus after another which was typical for Caleb in the Winter.  We were watching Caleb carefully for signs of pneumonia, but there was no indication that his illnesses had developed into a secondary infection.  I was watching carefully, his nurses were watching carefully and his pediatrician was as well.  It had been almost 4 weeks since his last doctor visit, and I was debating whether it was time to take him back in to make sure his lungs were still okay.  I always thought twice before taking him to the pediatrician because I was so worried about exposing him to more illnesses.  The night of  February 8th, I knelt and prayed to Heavenly Father.  I pleaded "If there is anything going on with Caleb, please make it evident so I know what to do."
The very next day, He did.

The next morning, Caleb was more lethargic, but being lethargic also wasn't uncommon for Caleb so I continued to watch him carefully.  He had vision therapy that morning and seemed peaceful and restful.  His oxygen numbers were still in normal range, and he was extra snugly.   Later that afternoon as I was holding him on the couch  I saw his color start to change.  His oxygen numbers still looked good, but I could see his color turning more pale and could feel his body temperature getting colder.  Those are definite signs that Caleb has pneumonia so I made a 6:00 PM appointment with the pediatrician.  I took Caleb in for his appointment, and the doctor confirmed  he did indeed have pneumonia and suggested I take him to Utah Valley hospital.  I have always taken Caleb right to Primary Children's hospital, but because there was a wonderful doctor on call at Utah Valley and an excellent respiratory therapist, I decided to go there and be closer to home.   I was very optimistic we would be in the hospital for the IV medication he needed and that we would be home in no time. 

We arrived at the hospital between 7:30 and 8:00 PM .  We were checked right in and an IV was quickly placed so medication could be administered.  A chest x ray showed that Caleb's left lung was completely white, and the pneumonia was severe.  Shortly after we arrived Caleb started having blood come out of his trach (another sign he had a respiratory infection) and he started needing more oxygen.  His body temperature was still really low so they put a bubble blanket over him to help him warm up.  It took a couple of hours to get him on a ventilator, but he seemed to respond well once he had some extra support.  I called Dallan at around 10:30 PM  and was feeling quite confident that Caleb was stable and would have a peaceful night.

About an hour later, Caleb didn't seem to be ventilating well.  His oxygen numbers weren't where they should be even though he was on the ventilator with 100 % oxygen.  The respiratory therapist and doctors started to become quite concerned.  They were watching his blood gasses carefully and changed his ventilator settings to function like an Oscillator.  They turned him onto his stomach and propped him up to see if that position would help him move air better. I was really worried that Caleb might be headed to a sepsis state.  The only other time he hasn't responded well to being on a ventilator was his last severe pneumonia which went septic and quickly brought him into a critical situation.

The doctors were also watching his lactate levels closely.  That number shows whether or not the body tissues are getting enough oxygen.  That number started to rise, and Caleb also started to have diarrhea.  Caleb's blood pressure also started to drop so they had to start him on Dopamine. The nurses had to continually give him fluid to help his blood pressure so he started to look really puffy.  In a matter of hours Caleb went from being quite stable to being critically sick. I turned to the doctor who I greatly admire and asked him if he would be willing to give Caleb a blessing.  He kindy agreed and grabbed another doctor to assist him.  He gave Caleb a very sweet and optimistic blessing that he would respond to treatment and return home to his family who loves him dearly. 

At  4:30 AM Caleb's lactate level rose to a high enough number that the staff started to communicate with primary children's hospital about assembling a flight team.  I called Dallan who was taking care of the boys at home and asked him to come to the hospital because things weren't going well.  My mom met him at our house and spent the rest of the night with our boys.  Dallan arrived at around 5:00 AM and the flight team arrived shortly after.

 

At this point Caleb was not stable.  Even though the flight would only take 10 minutes, transporting him was quite precarious because he was needing so much support. The wonderful staff got him all ready to go and wrapped him up in a snuggly bag to keep him warm on the flight.  Dallan and I weren't able to fly with him because there was so much equipment, but we quickly followed.  We made it outside in time to see the flight team loading him in the helicopter.  We saw them take off in the early morning light and  drove to Primary Children's as quickly as we could.

We knew Caleb was sick... really sick... but Caleb has been really sick many times and has always been able to get better. As worried as we were, we were still very hopeful that Caleb would recover.

We drove to the hospital as the sun rose, not knowing  we would drive home after the sun set without our little boy.

Precious Moments (Our Missionary)

Called to serve...

Precious Moments (Our Forever Family)

Where there is great love, there are always miracles.

Precious Moments (Brothers)

To the outside world, we all grow old. But not to brothers... We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts... We live outside the touch of time...

My brother who loved perfectly

I’m Matthew I have a brother who had a special body.

Caleb couldn’t walk and couldn’t talk.   He couldn’t move his body in the way he wants. But did have his own language of love. One of the ways he told me he loves me is with his wink. He was always winking because he only had one eye.

He showed me love when I laid by him. He was like a

teddy bear because even though he couldn’t talk, he always listened. I could tell him my problems and he made me feel happy.
When I was having a hard day, I would lay by him and he helped my bad feelings to melt away. He helped me to feel peaceful.

When I hugged Caleb I liked to do a special arm lock with his arm and mine. Caleb couldn’t hug me back, but when I wanted him to hug me I helped him by putting his arms around my neck.

I could tell he was happy when I was around. When I come home from school and spent some time with him, he would always give me a smile.

Caleb taught me that love is the most important thing. He told me with a feeling. He told me with his heart. He showed me you don’t have to have a perfect body to love perfectly.

I am so thankful to have Caleb for my brother, he is my best friend and I know that I will see him again.  

In the name of Jesus Christ Amen.