Our Last Day (part 3 of 3)

Our record of sweet Caleb's last 24 hours

(February 10, 2012  3:00 PM -9:30 PM )

Caleb's blood pressure remained  dangerously low, and he wasn't saturating oxygen well.   We were so tender.

We knew.

I turned to the doctor and told her we just wanted to hold him.  We asked if the nurses could move us to a more private room so that our little family could gather and say good bye.  We moved into a new room at around 3:00 PM.  I pulled Caleb's favorite lotion out of my over night bag, and Dallan and I filled our hands.  We gently rubbed sweet smelling lotion all over Caleb's little body just like I did every morning.  I rubbed his favorite fruity chapstick on his lips and kissed them over and over. 

Then I asked the nurses if they could hold up all of his wires and cords.  Dallan picked Caleb up while I slid underneath him so I could hold him on my lap.  I wrapped my arms around his body and closed my eyes.  My heart was filled with his spirit.  In the midst of my heart break, Caleb comforted me.  He filled my heart with courage.  He gave me peace.  We shared our hearts with one another they way we did every day when I held him on my lap. 

We didn't need words. 

We never did.  

Dallan and I shared a quiet and sacred hour with him.  We knew he was fading quickly.  My parents and our little boys arrived at around 4:30.  Our boys were heart broken as they hugged him, bathed his cheeks with their tears and said good bye.  Matthew begged "please don't leave me Caleb, you're my best friend..."   Each of my boys were blessed with the opportunity to hug him and tell him how much they loved him.   Dallan and my dad gave Caleb a tender blessing, then my dad took our boys into another room. 

The nurses then helped Dallan and I move to a couch.  Caleb was carefully laid in my arms and Dallan gently held his legs and feet.  Caleb melted into my arms and our hearts melted with him.  We covered him with our tears and held him close.  We whispered how dearly he was loved and how proud we were of him.  We held him for about 20 minutes as we quietly watched his blood pressure and oxygen levels fall.  I whispered "Caleb, I love you... It is such a privilege to be your mother."  We watched Caleb take two sweet breaths then pause.  Then he took two more little breaths and sweetly passed from my arms to God's.  My heart broke, and Caleb's spirit filled it.  His spirit was so close.  We knew we were in the presence of greatness. 

My dad brought my boys back into the room, and Mitchells' first words were, "Oh... now we have a Celestial Kingdom brother..."  It was more tender than words can express to watch my boys hold Caleb.  They kissed his face and held his hands. They wrapped their arms around him and never wanted to let go.   Matthew pleaded, "Please stay close to me Caleb, please stay close..."  My other family members who were there also had the opportunity to hold Caleb and say good bye.  There was an overwhelming feeling of love... heaven was so close.        

Now I lay me down to sleep arrived to take our last pictures together, then everyone left except for Dallan and me.  I wrapped Caleb in my arms and held him for almost two and a half more hours.  That time was precious for us.  We knew Caleb was there.   His little body continued to radiate with light and love.  We knew we were encircled by heavenly hosts, and we could feel Caleb wrapping his arms around us. 

My hardest moment was laying him down.  I couldn't do it.  It was breaking my heart.  Then Dallan gently reminded me we had three little boys who needed their parents to tuck them in on their hardest day.  Knowing our little boys needed us gave us the courage to lay Caleb's precious body down and say good bye.     

As we walked down the hallway and out the doors of Primary Children's hospital, our minds were flooded with memories of the first time we walked down that corridor.  We had our tiny Caleb in his car seat and were surrounded with equipment to take home with us.  We were so worried about how we would ever be able to keep him alive.  And now  as we walked through those revolving doors for the last time, we wondered how our lives would ever go on without him.

As we drove home we were quiet. Our world had stopped.  Our hearts ached, our tears flowed.  When we arrived at our home, we said good bye to my parents who had been caring for our boys then prepared everyone for bed.  Matthew was sobbing in his room and said, "I can't do this...Dad, can you give me a blessing?"  Dallan proceded to give each of the boys a blessing of comfort and peace. 

This was our hardest day, yet we know the Lord was with us.

We know  Caleb wanted his last weeks to be home with us, and that is why it wasn't evident that he needed the hospital until the last moment.

We know Caleb was willing to endure a hard day in the hospital so we could have the peaceful reassurance that doctors had done everything medically possible to help him.

We know how deeply Caleb loves us and know he stayed with us as long as he possibly could.

We know Caleb wanted to say good bye to each one of us personally.

We know Caleb wanted his brothers to be there before he returned to Heavenly Father.

We know when Heavenly Father asks something extra tender of us,  He blesses us with extra tender Mercies.

We know that He knows best how to comfort us, because He too lost a Son.
We know that Caleb is a noble soul, and he will continue to be with us.

We know we are a forever family.

 Caleb's story never really was about what we did for Caleb... It is about what Caleb did, and continues to do for each of us.  

We are forever changed...and forever thankful.