Wink from Heaven: If tonight was my last night with you.

Monday, February 20, 2012

If tonight was my last night with you.

Over the past several years I've worried about what I would say when I had to say good bye.... a few days ago I found this journal entry that I wrote several years ago....

Written in May 2008 when Caleb was struggling with pneumonia...

... Last night I tucked Caleb into bed with me and snuggled him for a while. While I worried and listened to him breathe, I was thinking- if tonight is my last night with you, what would I want to say?
If I knew I had to say goodbye to any of my sweet boys, what words would I want them to hear from their mom? I've asked myself that question numerous times especially during tender times with Caleb. It seems like there should be a bigger way to say "I love you"- Where are right words to say that I love them so much that it takes my breath away- that I love them so much that sometimes it even hurts- that I love them so much that my heart wants to beat for them?
I know that before they were born just the "hope" of them filled my heart with joy- that when I was expecting I loved knowing that they were growing right next to my heart- and now that they are here, my heart is wrapped so tightly around them that I can't breathe....
My heart has been tender as I've wondered what I should say to Caleb today. How do I tell him how dear he is to me and how proud I am of him? But then when I wrap my arms around him, and when I'm really still, I can feel his heart telling me that he already knows- and that "I love you" is enough.

15 comments:

Jenny said...: It's enough. And he knows.; February 20, 2012 at 8:39 PM
Alison said...: So beautiful. I bet your boys feel how much you love them every day, even when words couldn't possibly capture it, not even the best words. Thinking of you at this sad time. xo; February 21, 2012 at 1:15 AM
The Kings said...: He definitely knows you love him and always will :) xx; February 21, 2012 at 1:40 AM
arianne said...: Your words are treasure.; February 21, 2012 at 6:29 AM
The Johnson Crew said...: My heart aches for you and your family. I wish there were words to make things better and take some of the pain away. I never met sweet Caleb but I could feel his sweet spirit from pictures of him. I pray you feel him near and the love and comfort from our loving Heavenly Father.

All our love
The Johnson's; February 21, 2012 at 7:45 AM
brigette said...: What a tender thing for you to have journals are amazing things! I hope you dont mind on Friday I did a little blog post about Caleb. His story and your family really touched my heart. I have a card to send since I wasnt able to make the funeral. Do you have a address I can send it to? Praying for your sweet family and sending lots of love!!; February 21, 2012 at 7:45 AM
The Johnson Crew said...: We would love to send you something to help remember your sweet Caleb, could you email me a favorite picture and your mailing address and then delete this comment.
Lots of love
Gayle Johnson

gm-tinker@hotmail.com; February 21, 2012 at 7:47 AM
Brad and Hailey said...: April that is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing this with us.; February 21, 2012 at 8:37 AM
Debbie said...: April that was so sweet to share with us. he knew he was loved by many just by his tender spirit he shared with us all, especially his family. He is going to be truely missed and my thoughts and prayers are still with your sweet family.; February 21, 2012 at 9:01 AM
Jennie said...: A beautiful post, April. Our hearts are with you right now as well. We think of you and hope that you feel the love of all of us and of our Father in Heaven.; February 21, 2012 at 9:42 AM
Amy said...: Beautiful!; February 21, 2012 at 10:04 AM
Becky said...: I love you April...I have no doubt that Caleb knew and KNOWS just how much you love him! xoxo; February 21, 2012 at 11:25 AM
Lisa said...: Thank you for sharing such deep and personal feelings. I think while you were worrying how to say how much you loved him, Caleb was wondering how to express is deep love for you. I know he will always remain close to you.; February 21, 2012 at 1:16 PM
shirlgirl said...: Thank you for sharing those very personal feelings, April. I am more than certain that Caleb knew exactly how much you loved him, even before he was born. Your boys are so blessed to have such a wonderful Mom as you are to them, and to have been given Caleb, even for seven miraculous years, our Heavenly Father knew exactly what he was doing when he chose you to care for him and love him. Sending you love and hugs.; February 21, 2012 at 6:03 PM
Janene Baadsgaard said...: April, your capacity to love has changed the lives of everyone who knows you.; February 22, 2012 at 6:08 AM

Prayer for Caleb

(written by Caleb's Grandma in her weekly column -2008-)

In my family we have a secret code to communicate our love for each other when we are out in public. We wink. When one of us is about to perform or speak, we look for a family member’s face in the crowd. Then we wink at each other. Closing one eye and winking is our secret code for saying, “I love you. You can do it. You’re wonderful.”

About three years ago, my grandson Caleb was born into our family. He must have known before birth that he would never be able to speak to us because he was born with one eyelid permanently closed. So, he is always “winking” at us, always communicating, “I love you. You can do it. You’re wonderful.”

Caleb has one eye lid permanently closed because he is missing one of his eyes . . . and he is also missing his brain. All the doctors said he would die soon after birth. They were wrong. Caleb is three years old. He is a medical miracle. The doctors say he can’t see, hear, speak, think or move. Those who know and love Caleb understand he has his own unique way of experiencing the world and communicating his love to those around him.

After Caleb was born the hospice people told us to buy a burial plot and continually warned us of his imminent death. We soon learned you can not live well in a state of fear and sadness. We decided we could spend Caleb’s entire life anxious and scared he might die at any moment, or we could celebrate each day we were blessed to have him with us. In the beginning, my daughter April celebrated Caleb’s birthday every week instead of every year with balloons and cupcakes because we simply did not know how long we would have him with us. We stopped the cupcakes after we gained ten pounds, but the celebrating goes on.

We all prayed for a miracle when we first learned about Caleb’s condition. We got one. Caleb’s birth, life and mission have had a deep and lasting impact on our lives. His spirit, eternal identity and most of all the loving, individual relationship he has with each of us is truly a miracle. Because of Caleb we know that each of us has a divine purpose and that the physical body is a sacred gift we should never take for granted. We better understand the worth of a soul and the resiliency of the human spirit.

Caleb’s five year old brother Matthew said, “Grandma. The doctors said Caleb was going to die, but he didn’t. That’s the first miracle I ever saw!”

Sometimes Caleb’s baby brother Mitchell pulls out his feeding tube while they hold hands riding together in their double stroller. Sometimes the only intervention that can get Caleb’s heart rate up is when his older brothers Josh and Matty crawl in his crib, hug him and sing, “I am a Child of God.” ...If you have a moment please offer a prayer for the little boy who has never been able to utter a single word and yet has taught everyone who knows and loves him – all the secrets of a rich and meaningful life.