Precious Moments (a Mother)

If you have a mom, there is nowhere you are likely to go where a prayer has not already been. ~Robert Brault

My talk at Caleb's funeral:
I will never get the opportunity to plan a wedding for Caleb but have been honored to plan his missionary farewell...
 Quite often the first question expecting parents are asked is ‘”Are you having a boy or a girl!” Those who don't have a preference might respond with something like, "We just want a healthy baby" or "we don't care as long as it has 10 fingers and ten toes..." I probably would have agreed, before I had Caleb. When we were expecting Caleb, we knew he had hydrocephalus and that his brain was missing the corpus collosum. Other than that, we had a limited amount of information. I remember the day that a doctor called me after viewing the results of an in-utero MRI. He casually told me that Caleb was also missing one of his eyes. One eye. Over the next few months of my pregnancy, it seemed that every time we learned something new, something else was missing. When Caleb was born, we soon found out he was largely missing his brain. Caleb wasn’t given a firm diagnosis. Hydrancephaly is the closest, meaning water on the brain, and little or no brain tissue. That information wasn't the most devastating. "You'll likely have weeks before his death- take him home, there is nothing more we can do" was the most devastating. It didn't matter what was missing. It didn't matter that he wasn't a healthy baby. We couldn't bear the thought of missing him.

 Caleb spent several days in the newborn intensive care unit after he was born. Because he was so unstable he was given a name and a blessing while we were there. After Caleb’s blessing, my Dad also gave me a blessing. In that blessing he promised me that the atonement could heal a broken heart. That evening we were told he might not make it through the night. I was broken. I felt like every cell in my body was sad. I remember thinking "even the people who love me the most can't understand how I feel in this moment." My heart was in anguish. Then my phone rang. A friend called to tell me about the prayer that was said in church for our family. The prayer asked Heavenly Father to comfort us because He knew what it was like to lose a son. He knew. It was then that I realized His son also knew. My older brother, my Savior Jesus Christ knew. He knew because He felt my sorrow in a personal moment in Gethsemane. That night as I was in and out of sleep and tears, the phrase He knows kept returning to my mind. I remember feeling like my burden could be shared with somebody because He knew. I realized for the first time that the atonement isn’t just the sadness that we feel for our sins and our mistakes, but it also encompasses our worries, and our heartaches, and our despairing and anguishing moments. It brought me comfort to know that I had my Older Brother on one side and my Father on the other side who knew and that was enough to carry me through those hard days.


After eight days in the NICU, we took Caleb home on hospice care. We were encouraged to purchase a burial plot and to prepare to say good bye. We didn’t want our time with Caleb to be filled with worry and sorrow so we decided early on to choose hope! We chose to celebrate each day we had with Caleb. We had a birthday party for him every week and spent hours in our rocking chair soaking in his precious spirit. Those first few days at home were so tender. I remember browsing a website that told the stories of children with conditions similar to Caleb. Sadly, I noticed many passed away before their first birthday. However, as I read story after story including those who did outlive their prognosis, the thought distinctly came to me if Caleb can make it to his first birthday- he can make it to his seventh. Seven. That number gave me hope and permission to breathe. Seven years seemed like such a long time when compared to what we'd been told to expect. The weekly birthday parties stopped after we celebrated his 6 month birthday and he became more stable, but the celebrations continued! My then 2 year old Matthew would tell everyone he met, “Do you know the doctors told us Caleb was going to die and he didn’t? That’s the first miracle I ever saw!”

Life with Caleb was a miracle. Before Caleb was born, we told our boys he would only have one of his eyes. They were so worried about what that would mean. “Don’t worry, “I would say, “He will just wink at us every day!” Caleb’s wink was his mission. In our family a wink means I love you. Caleb was never able to tell us he loves us with words, but he told us every day with his wink. Through the past several years we have had numerous discussions with doctors about quality of life. When making hard decisions for Caleb’s future we are often encouraged to consider how Caleb’s constant care affects the rest of our family. Our lives involved oxygen, feeding tubes, trachs and medication, but caring for Caleb continually taught us what matters most. In those first few weeks that we were at home with him we chose to be joyful even though doctors were telling us the worst. We learned that’s it’s not living in denial to live a hopeful life. Caleb’s spirit radiated with pure love. He reminded us all what heaven feels like. We never mourned what could have been for Caleb. He could have quickly returned to heaven, but instead he has quietly brought heaven to us. It was okay that he had a special body. His presence…was enough.

We delighted in his smiles, in his snuggles and in his light. Caleb’s three brothers adored him. They loved his kissable cheeks. They helped him say the family prayer by using their special “Caleb voices.” They went to him to find peace, and they found comfort just by curling up by him. One of Caleb’s brothers often said, “Do you think that when Caleb is resurrected he can still have his winking eye because it’s just so cute!” We loved Caleb just the way he was. Our family would not have been complete without our Caleb.

 I have the sweetest memories of each member of my family with Caleb.

DALLAN
Dallan selflessly got up with Caleb numerous times each night to turn, change, suction and love him. He never complained, and quite often I'd hear him visiting with Caleb while tending to his needs. I know that there will be a day when Caleb can wrap his arms around his father and thank him for the service he rendered in those quiet hours of the night. But in my heart, I think Dallan already knows. On several occasions Caleb has been the angel as our extended family acted out the nativity at Christmas time. I’ll never forget the Christmas that we put angel wings and a halo on Caleb and the Dallan held high above everyone else and said… Fear not, for behold I bring you good tidings of great joy… I loved how Dallan would include Caleb in the “brother stories” he tell the boys at bed time. Caleb was always the one eyed bandit who captured the bad guys and sent them to the city dump.

JOSH
Josh has been a quiet protector of Caleb. He has always kept a quiet watch at his bedside. Even as a 5 year old little boy I would often find him standing at Caleb’s bedside holding his hand and watching his monitors. I’ll always remember Josh and Matthew digging up worms and placing them in Caleb’s hands so he could feel them too. This year at the school carnival I loved watching Josh proudly helped Caleb go fishing at the fishing pond. And this year Josh was even confident enough in Caleb’s cares to be able to watch and suction him if I needed to run to a neighbors or run to get the mail.

MATTHEW
One week for Family Home Evening, Matthew taught a lesson about the 3 degrees of glory. He had the various degrees of glory taped around a basket ball hoop and had the basket labeled as the celestial kingdom. After he taught us about how we could make it to the celestial kingdom he had us all take turns shooting until we made it… but as it came to Caleb’s turn, he took the ball and did a slam dunk for him. He told us Caleb was an "automatic swish" because we already knew where he was going. It touched my heart to see my boys recognize what a special spirit Caleb has. The rest of us had to shoot for a lot longer but by the end of the game we celebrated that we all made it to the Celestial Kingdom with Caleb. One time I overheard Matthew talking with Caleb. He said: Caleb, have you ever heard of depth perception? Someday when you have two eyes, You're gonna LOVE IT! And another time I heard him whisper to him: "I would just die with out you Caleb... because, you know... you're my brother." Matthew crawled into bed with Caleb every morning- I always knew that Matthew had been there because he would leave his little toy lizard on Caleb’s forehead.

MITCHELL
I will always have memories of taking Caleb on a walks with Mitchell- Mitchell would put on all of his pirate clothes and wielded a sword so he could protect Caleb from all the bad guys. When he was a toddler I’d often find him holding his sippy cup in one hand and holding Caleb’s hand through the slats of his crib with the other. Mitchell also kept a constant watch on Caleb’s head and he would let me know as soon as it started flopping. As he got bigger, Mitchell would see his head flopping and gently put it back where it should be. Mitchell and Caleb also loved to have story time together. I’d put Caleb on my lap, and Mitchell would sit to the side of us. Then Mitchie would say, “up go the legs” and he’d life Caleb’s legs and drape them across his lap so they could snuggle while they read. Just this week Mitchell prayed for Caleb in our family prayer and said : Please bless Caleb to have fun in the spirit world and find lots of winkie friends.

MOM
As Caleb’s mother there are so many small and sweet moments I don’t want to forget. After having Caleb we become night owls. His feeding and medication schedules have made it necessary to stay up with him until around midnight. As a result, we had some really sweet quiet time with him after we tuck the other boys in bed. For the past several months Dallan Caleb and I watched the "Larkrise to Candleford" BBC series in those later hours of the night. I would sit on the couch and make a nest out of my legs for Caleb to sit in. I cover us up with blankets, and we watch an episode together. He would melt into all of my space and rests his fuzzy little head against me. I never want to forget the way it felt to have Caleb fill up my lap. I don't want to forget how sweet his hair smelled when I rubbed my nose in it. I don't want to forget how peaceful it was to have him breathing with me, and I don't want to forget how sometimes we’d get so cozy we would fall asleep together. And I never want to forget how much I loved to watch his little legs dangle over Dallan's arms as he was carried off to bed. We loved this time so much, that even on the nights when we could go to bed earlier... we didn’t- can you blame us?

Because of Caleb’s physical challenges, we had numerous adventures at Primary Children’s hospital. Now if you know our family, you know that we love BYU so we would always make sure to have Caleb’s BYU blanket with us when we went up to primary childrens which is in Ute Territory! During on of Caleb’s hospital stays One of Caleb's night nurses who was a die hard Ute fan kept insisting that Caleb's rash was from the BYU blanket I put putting on him. The next morning I found a big "GO UTES" on our marker board, and I found Caleb dressed in a shirt that the nurse had decorated himself with a red marker- that said things like : We love U Caleb.. Property of the University of Utah… and so on. It was so funny that Caleb and I decided we could be UTE fans just for that day.

 Sometimes I was asked what our biggest challenges were in caring for Caleb. It's wasn’t the hospital stays or therapy appointments. I wasn’t the dressings or diaper changes. It wasn’t his trach or g tube cares or his medications and monitors. Taking care of Caleb was such a sacred privilege. I think hardest part of caring was much is knowing some day we might have to say good bye. I loved caring for Caleb. He was so beautiful to me. It was an honor to care so deeply and it took my breath away every day. I know that he was joyful in his body and it was a joy to take care of him. I was so honored to have his presence in our home. He reminded us every day what heaven feels like. I have always felt a peaceful reassurance that Caleb coming to our family with his sweet little body was a significant part of our eternal story as a family. Realizing how precious every minute is has made every minute count. Caleb taught us to find joy in every day. Caleb radiated with love and light. Even though he couldn’t speak with words his little spirit just speaks volumes about what it means to love.

My favorite moments with Caleb were quiet moments in our rocking chair together. When I was holding him on my lap I felt like we had the best conversations, we never used words. Our conversations weren’t limited with language- they were straight from the heart.

 Caleb turned 7 just one month ago. We didn’t expect our time with Caleb to end so suddenly. Caleb hadn’t felt very well for the past couple of months, but that is quite typical for him in the Winter. He was routinely checked to make sure he was still healthy enough to be at home. The night before he passed away I asked Heavenly Father, “If there is something going on in Caleb’s body, please make it evident.” The very next day He did. After being admitted to Utah Valley with pneumonia, being life- flighted to primary Childrens- and enduring numerous life saving procedures, Caleb’s little body showed us that he wouldn’t be able to recover. As heart breaking as that day was for us we felt the Lord’s hand in every moment. We were reassured that Caleb wanted to be home, not in a hospital so his sweet body didn’t make it evident that he needed a hospital until the very last minute. He was willing to endure a few hard hours so that we as his parents could have the reassurance that we had done everything we could. His last hours were spent in our arms and his brothers were able to make it to the hospital in time to say good bye. And even though his body was paralyzed with medication he was still able to open his eye and squeeze my hand and Dallan’s hand to tell us that he loved us and that he was okay. In the hours after his death we were blessed with a fullness of the spirit and knew we were in the presence of greatness.

The Sunday after Caleb returned to Heavenly Father I was in church taking the sacrament. As I did so with tears streaming down my face, the image of Caleb’s baby blessing flashed before my eyes and I heard those words once again from my Father “The atonement can heal a broken heart.” Heavenly Father understands that loss is one of the hardest things he asks of us in mortality. He knows what He is asking, because He knows what it’s like to lose a son. He doesn’t ask it lightly. I also know that when he gives us something extra tender He also blesses us with some really tender mercies. I have peace in my heart knowing that our Father and His son know just how to comfort us in our darkest hours.

My testimony of the atonement gives real meaning to the phrase, “Families can be together forever.” I know with certainty that our Savior has over come death. I am so thankful for the joyful knowledge that death is not the end, and that though Him my family can be together forever. Shortly after Caleb was born, one of my little boys came to me and said, “Did you know Jesus peeks in our windows?” I know my little Caleb has been closely watched over by the Savior whom he emulates. I have no doubt angels have walked our halls to attend to our needs.

 I know He that he also sent us angels on earth. We had angels deliver countless meals. We had angels at the make a wish foundation grant our wish We had angels shovel our walks and mow our lawn. We had angels decorate our door and garage We had angels bring date night to us when we couldn't leave the house. We had angles sit with Caleb so we could take the other boys on outings and get some sleep. We had angels surprise us heartfelt gifts. We had angels drive though snowstorms to get Caleb home from the hospital We had angels help Caleb with physical therapy and vision. We had angels write him special poems and letters. We had angels make him keepsake blankets We had angels do special things for our other boys We’ve had angel doctors and nurses We had angels fast and pray for our little family We had angels give us their hearts and love us.
Jesus peeked in our windows, and he sent us each one of you.
Thank you for being a special part of our miracle of seven.